


Pain

by eeminxs



Category: Emergency!
Genre: Arson, Gen, Minor Injuries, Nightmares, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-07-14 21:48:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 24,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7192076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eeminxs/pseuds/eeminxs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After almost four months of bad runs and an arsonist that can't seem to be caught, Johnny is injured when helping the arsonist turned victim. As he tries to deal with all that has happened recently, he finds a new way to get his mind off the horrors of his jobs...<br/>Please note this is about a serious topic, self-harm, and is not for all. I do have a Beta, but help is appreciated, along with constructive and respectful reviews. If you hate it, fine, just no bashing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nightmares

Gasping for breath, Johnny sat up, sweating and panting, unable to shake the images from his mind. Shivering more from the memories than anything else, he leaned back into his bed and groaned.

 _Man, when will these memories stop?_ He wondered idly.

Trying to slow his breathing down, he grimaced as he felt the pain in his ribs and arms as he lowered himself down to a reclining position. Flashes of the last three and a half months came to him fast and furious: a home where a mom babysat five other neighborhood kids in addition to her child that was set ablaze by a seemingly unstoppable arsonist. After searching the home, Johnny and Roy finally found the last child, a young girl, just seven years old, hiding in a toy chest. Before they made it out of the home, she stopped breathing. Although they finally got her breathing again, it turned out she had been in the smoke too long and had suffered severe brain damage. She now was acting infantile and not much hope was held for her recovery…

Then there was that ten car pile-up due to slick surfaces and impatient drivers. Three squads had responded, but the lime green hatchback he was assigned to which had been crushed underneath a semi-truck. Seeing both the driver and passenger awake, though disoriented, gave Johnny hope. As he fought to free them, he learned they had married just a week ago. Hearing that made him rush faster, especially as both their vitals were dropping quickly from internal injuries. Calling out for help, Gage knew if he didn't get them out quickly, he'd loose them both.

Shaking off that memory, Johnny tried to stop his mind from remember that all his efforts had been in vain. In fact, over the last few months, it seemed death had been mocking both him and Roy. Never before in his five years as a paramedic had things been so bad or seemed so helpless. There had been so much death and destruction lately; it didn't help he was stuck home for about three to four more weeks to heal from injuries he had received rescuing the arsonist. Cursing, Johnny swung his casted arm upwards, hitting the headboard.

Surprised at feeling a rush of pleasure, not pain, he did it again. Finding it to be soothing and that it helped stop the other memories trying to invade his mind, he sighed when an unexpected peace fell over him, causing him to drift back to sleep.


	2. Coping Skill

**AN: This may be triggering for self-injuries. Please use caution while reading. I used my own experiences in battling this issue for the last 19 years (2 ½ years safe!) to write this.**

Waking up, Johnny rolled over to look at his clock. The brown eyes widened when they registered that five hours had passed…the most he had slept at once. There were still the horrific echoes that played while he slept, although of which attempted rescue Johnny couldn't figure out. Too many rescues had ended in failure over the last month.

 _I still can't believe things could get so bad so fast or last so long. I don't remember headquarters ever requiring an incoming shift to report an hour early so that the Captain could lead a "debriefing" about any concerns firefighters might have about the upcoming shift. S_ haking his head a little in disbelief, John sighed as deep as he could without disturbing his healing cracked ribs. _I do know that the Chiefs have asked incoming shifts to report early so the outgoing shift has time to gather and vent about a difficult or troublesome shift, but to make it mandatory, well, I doubt that's ever happened before. I know from what I heard no one else has heard of it either. And on top of that, overtime is rarely granted with all the stuff going on._

Breathing harder, memories began washing over Johnny. Memories of Station 51 A shift coming up to a swollen river where a bus full of teens and adults were trapped inside. Only their company had been called out as the caller said only a car went over; by the time more help had arrived, more than half of the bus was under water. Watching the sinking yellow vehicle submerge into the the churning, muddy waters as kids and adults alike pounded and screamed for help shook everyone on the scene. As fast as they worked, it was slow going to open the bus. By the time the K12 cut a hole in the roof, most of the people were standing or sitting on top of the seats to avoid the water. Each member of the Station 51 crew knew that time was running out and so Captain Stanley had ordered Station 36 to stay near to shore as the bus was knocking anyone near it around. He feared that any more workers would just be the tipping point and cause a greater shift, sending the bus into the water and allowing no one ekse to escape its clutches. Despite working as fast as they could and eventually having 4 squads on the scene eventually, only fourteen out of the twenty teens and five of the eleven adults were saved. A couple of those who were rescued had various spinal injuried. Since they had been hauled up without spinal precautions in an effort to save their lives.

Remembering how some of the people had screamed at him when he went to check on them, Johnny began hyperventilating. In his heart, John knew the people were just taking their anger out on one of the easier targets; despite knowing this, it still hurt to be accused of carelessness or hearing people wanting to know why he didn't let them die during the bus accident. Having had talked things out with not only the department psychologist, then the crew before talking things over with Roy personally had helped every other nightmare run or arsonist call they got. However, he was able to get back in the squad and work through any lingering doubt or concern he had about his job. Now, stuck on the injury list, with nothing to do but listen to his own thoughts, Johnny felt himself spinning out of control.

_If only these stupid thoughts would stop attacking me! He moaned as he grabbed his head. Why can't I just stop thinking about things? I've dealt with everything the best I could and I know I did the best I could. I know that this was just a weird time…heck, if there's one thing we as firefighters and paramedics can count on is that there are going to be times where things are chaotic and no matter what we do, things don't go our way, but eventually things settle down. It's just that this time, it lasted longer than usual…A LOT longer!_

Sitting up and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, Johnny felt the sharp pain bite into him as he moved his rib cage the right way.

 _Dang, that should hurt,_ he wondered as he did it again and found the same results. _Why in the heck does that feel so good?_

Feeling his breathing and pulse rate drop as quickly as it would if he had been given a sedative, Johnny's eyes widen.

 _The pain is making me refocus!_ Shaking his head, he rolled his eyes. _Okay Gage, even that is nuts for you. It's a good thing the shrink thought you didn't need to see him for any additional sessions, he'd lock you up! You can't think this way! Knock it off, now!_

Still, despite these thoughts, the panic and anxiety Johnny was feeling from the memories that haunted him begged him for some sort of reprieve. Going to the bathroom, he grabbed his razor and studied it.

 _If accidental pain helps, wonder what would happen if I did it myself?_ Johnny pondered. _I definitely don't want anyone seeing it, or if they do, they gotta think it is an accident. Can't cut my arm, too many veins, way too obvious. Leg is out seeing as there is a cast. Stomach, hmmm, now there's a thought. I could hide it with my boxers…_

Drawing the double blade razor across his stomach near his groin, Johnny nearly groaned in relief. There was a quick flash of pain, followed by what he could only describe as pure ecstasy. His whole body trembled as he saw a blinding white intensity and a liquid within himself filled his body with warmth and peace. Without realizing it, the razor dropped from boneless hands as tears flowed freely. Sliding quickly down the wall, he closed his eyes as his mind empty of all thoughts, taking all the anxiety and fears with it.


	3. Fighting Thoughts

As the pleasure flowed through his body, Johnny breathed out a loud sigh of relief. Seconds later, a hiss of pain followed.

“Jeez, Gage. Stupid move,” he muttered to himself, shaking his head.

Looking down at the cuts, he was comforted by the fact that there was so little blood. Reaching to grab some toilet paper, Johnny became confused as each time more blood came out, he felt more centered, more peaceful, and able to think clearer. Only when he tried to wipe the blood away or touch the wound did pain register. Shaking off the confusion, John stood up and grabbed some disinfect. Quickly cleaning the small cuts, he again marveled at how much the actions hurt and yet, oddly felt…

“Right,” he spoke out loud. “Man, I must be losing it.”

Looking into the mirror after applying a bandage, he promised, “Never again, this was way stupid.”

It was three days after the screw-up, as John called it, that Johnny really began to wonder how in the world he ended up resorting to hurting himself.

 _I know that all the guys have had a hard time with all the crud that happened right before I got injured._ _Despite Roy being on shift that day, I know I could have called him, or any of the guys, heck even Dixie or one of the Docs from Rampart! It isn’t like I hadn’t done that in the past, so why was that day so different? Man, I just wish my brain would stop!_ Johnny ranted internally, craving the tranquility he had just a few days ago. _If I could just get some peace and quiet, stop thinking about the pain, the loss, the deaths, and just sleep for a while… I don’t know, I just hate this! Typically, I literally work through things bugging me and I can’t this time which isn’t helping!_

Unknowingly, all this time, Johnny had been pacing back and forth in his apartment, getting closer and closer to his bathroom. Near the end, he was right at the doorway and when he finally stopped his train of thoughts long enough, he had his razor in his hand.

“No, not again,” Johnny vowed quietly, moaning slightly while trying to put the razor down. However, it was as if something was forcing him to hang onto it and he just couldn’t let go.

The pull of the razor and the peace it could offer, even if it was temporary, seemed to scream out at him. Closing his eyes, John tried fighting the urge at first, but by closing his eyes, memories of the victims assaulted him. Moaning, he pulled his pants and boxers down far enough, took the bandage off and began cutting vertically near the first cut.

This time, one small cut didn’t seem to help. Instead, it took five long cuts before his mind finally stopped screaming at him and solace overcame him. Breathing heavily for a few minutes, when Johnny finally calmed down, he looked at what he did and quickly took care of it. Going into his bedroom, he gave in and cried, not only in grief, but also due to fear.

All he could think was, _How on earth did this happen again and why couldn’t I stop myself?_


	4. Broken Promises

Ashamed and embarrassed by his actions, Johnny was trying to figure out how to get out of meeting up with Roy for breakfast the next morning. Still not having thought of any good excuse, he quickly grabbed his camping gear, along with the bare necessities around 6:30 a.m. and headed to a nearby camping spot.

_I feel bad for just taking off and not letting him know, but I just can't face Roy right now. He'll come into the apartment and see the camping stuff is gone after I don't answer for a bit anyway. When I get back, I can just say I got bored and took off without thinking. I'm sure he'll believe that,_ Johnny thought on the drive up. _Hopefully, I can figure out what to do while I'm away. I mean, I don't have to check in with Doctor Brackett for 12 more days. Surely by then, I'll have figured something out._

During the next five days, Johnny spent most of the time just staring out over the small lake or at his fire. Swimming, hiking, or any of his usual activities just didn't have any appeal to him. All the while, he thought long and hard about how to avoid Roy until he was back at work. Soon, his conscience forced him back to Carson, knowing that even with Roy likely knowing he had gone camping, his friend would be concerned about him. Quickly showering and double checking the work schedule to make sure A-shift was off, John called Roy.

"Hey," Johnny tried to sound cheerful when Roy came on the phone.

"Where on earth have you been?" a concerned voice asked. "I called you a bunch of times, finally went over and saw that you went camping. You normally tell me where you're headed."

"Sorry, it was just last minute. I was bored just sitting around and I was feeling fine except for dealing with the cast. I couldn't stand being cooped up anymore."

A deep sigh was heard.

"I get it. Just next time, let someone know, please?"

"Yeah, yeah," Johnny rolled his eyes.

"Would you like to come over for supper? Joanne is making pot roast and there is plenty to share," Roy voice fluctuated as he tried to entice his friend to come over.

In the time Johnny had been off for his injury, he and his family had maybe seen him twice. Considering thry saw him at least once a week or more when possible, all of the DeSoto's were sorely missing Johnny.

"I actually already ate," lied Johnny, not wanting to face the DeSoto's.

"Oh, okay," Roy said, disappointment clear in his voice.

"Sorry."

"It's okay. I guess we just miss you over here."

"Sorry," Johnny apologized again. "Look, I should get the camping stuff cleaned up so I'll talk to you another time."

"Sure."

Roy was clearly puzzled now. Before he could say anything else, he heard Johnny say a quick good-bye and hang up. Concerned, he stared at the phone and shook his head.

Over at Johnny's apartment, John let out a deep breath, _That was harder than I expected it to be. Just can't hurt myself for a while, then I can talk or visit with them again. Otherwise, I go there now, Roy and/or Jo will read me like a book and know that something is going on. Can't be too hard to do that, right?_

Deciding that he was making a big deal over a couple of slip ups, Johnny chose to put the two incidents out of his mind. However, as it turned out, controlling the urge to quiet the voices and memories running through his mind anyway possible was a lot more difficult than he had ever expected. Within the next week, he had given in to the call of the blade and cut three different times.


	5. Visiting

Each time Johnny found himself unwillingly and sometimes, unknowingly, hurting himself, he found more of a reason to avoid people. This was especially true when it came to Roy and his family, but John knew that if he continued to turn down invitations, then they would know something was wrong. Which is how he found himself coming for lunch right before his appointment with Doctor Brackett.

_At least I'll have a legit excuse not to stay long,_ he figured.

The conversation was stilted between the adults and even the kids were having difficulties with their "uncle". No matter how hard Johnny tried to make things normal, nothing seemed to go right. It was as if he had forgotten how to interact with this family who had loved him as a member of their own. Feeling awkward, Johnny left earlier than needed to his doctor appointment.

* * *

"So, how are things going Johnny?" Kelly Bracket asked as he stepped into Exam 4 and looked at the chart Dixie had started.

"Boring…" came a huffed reply.

Seeing the raised eyebrows at the non-answer, Johnny knew the doctor wanted more information.

"The ribs stopped hurting almost a week ago and my arm is itching like crazy," he expanded, rolling his eyes.

Setting down the chart, Doctor Brackett palpitated his rib cage. Finding that things seemed good there, he went and checked on the x-rays that were taken before Johnny was sent into an exam room.

"Well, most everything looks good," the doctor reported. "However, it doesn't look like you are getting enough sleep."

"You try sleeping after doing nothing all day!" Johnny shot back.

Smiling and shaking his head, Kelly glanced at Dixie to see she had the same expression.

"I'll get that cast off and set you up for a week or two of physical therapy on that arm. After that, I'll sign off on your release to work. Sounds good?"

Nodding eagerly, Johnny sat back as the arm cast was quickly cut away. Figuring he got off easy, he was about to follow Dixie out the door when Brackett stopped him.

"Before you go, I just wanted to know how you are really doing," he asked. "I know the psychologist signed off on your paperwork, but I also know that the last few months hasn't been easy on anyone and sitting around isn't easy either."

"I'm fine, doc," Johnny protested. "Mainly just bored. I can't do much with one bad arm, so I'm frustrated, but I'm good."

"If you need to talk or anything, I'm here, or I can always get someone else," Kelly said looking him, unsure if John was telling the truth. For some reason, there just was something off about him. That, coupled with what Roy had told him caused concern. Unfortunately, unless Johnny was willing to let someone in, there wasn't much he could do at this point.

"Doc, I'm fine," snapped John.

"Alright," he said, giving in. "I'll see you in a couple weeks after you finish up PT."

Walking out the door without a backward glance, Johnny just waved at him as he was too annoyed with the prodding questions.


	6. Concern

“I think Roy was right,” Brackett confessed to Dixie as she followed him into his office.

“I know, Johnny seemed more...” she struggled to find the right words. “Guarded almost. It was as if he was trying to act as we would expect him to and yet, he still couldn’t seem to cope well. Any questions that required more than a few words or more than a basic description annoyed him, especially coming from you. Johnny didn't even talk much before you came in, no matter what I did. I don’t know the last time that happened!”

Sighing heavily, Kelly sat on the couch next to Dixie.

“Until someone finds out what is going on or he tells us himself, there isn't anything we can really do besides make sure John knows he can talk to any of us here or at the station. Otherwise, unless it affects how he does his job, we can't force him to open up.”

Dixie out a sigh of her own before sigh before wondering, “So do we let Hank and Roy know about our suspicions?”

“I’m afraid as much I’d like to, we can't tell Roy despite him having Johnny’s medical power of attorney. However, if he asks, just say that you can't reveal any information. That alone should tell him that he’ll need to keep a closer eye on Johnny.”

Pausing a moment, Brackett looked thoughtful before continuing, “As far as reporting that John isn't coping well with things as well as he’d like us all to believe, I feel we should tell his Captain. This is work related and the injuries were caused during work. I know Hank will be watching out no matter what, but hopefully by telling him I believe  Johnny is closing himself off and denying how much these last four or five months have impacted him, it will give Hank a better idea what to look for when Johnny returns to work.

“I also think that I can contact whoever Johnny gets for physical therapy and just let them know that I’m concerned about him. That it might be best to watch a bit closer and report to me if they feel Johnny is pushing too hard or they have any other worries.”

Nodding, Dix rubbed her forehead as she felt a headache grow. She hoped that she and Kelly were just being overly cautious and outlining a plan after meeting with Johnny on a bad day. However, with all her medical experience, especially in the military, she knew the likelihood of that was minute and that her friend was likely in need of help.

* * *

 

As feared, Johnny began pushing himself to regain his muscle strength. If he was honest with himself, he found the weight lifting exercises for his wrists to be more painful than expected, which, for reasons unknown to him, helped him sleep better at night. The visions of people crying out in terror and pain didn’t go away, but they did lessen, which justified his actions.

 _Plus, the sooner I get back to work, the better,_ John reminded himself that first week.

That was the reason each time given to the petite, perky young lady who was assigned to work with him on his physical therapy to regain strength in his wrist and ensure he would be fit to go back to work. Her words of caution or reminders that a delay could occur if he continued pushing himself at this pace did nothing. Left with no other option, at the beginning of the fourth session, she merely had to suggest that maybe she should “talk” with Doctor Brackett and see if there was something else that should be done before Johnny began listening.

Angry at the idea that someone would do so, simply because he told them he was itching to get back to what he deemed to be business as usual, his mood darkened further. What he viewed as a threat made him retreat further into himself. Johnny would go to the PT sessions, run daily and do the basic household chores, but beyond that, refused to leave his apartment. Worse yet, he closed himself off more from his friends, talking on the phone for as short as time as possible before making excuses. The few times Roy or his Captain stopped by, they were met by someone who seemed more restless and hyperactive than normal.

Knowing how badly everyone had been affected by the arsonist and the numerous bad runs, both the Captain and Roy tried to talk about how John was dealing with it. Each time, he gave what appeared to be thoughtful answers which showed that although it was still troubling him, Johnny was dealing with the past months as well as everyone else. Looking closer, both visitors would see tell-tale signs that not all was as reported: fingertips trying to stay out of sight so they could move restlessly, eyes that didn’t quite look into their own eyes, a change of subject that could be blamed on the subject matter and how Johnny’s mind worked. Unfortunately, Roy and Captain Stanley had worked with John too long to be fooled. Without any admission from Johnny or a direct reason that they could supply for why mandatory therapy sessions were needed, there was no way that either man could go to Doctor Brackett and ask for them with Johnny before he received a release for work.

Johnny figured out within three visits what the two were up to since the visits were spaced out to almost every third day, pending when the station was on shift. When that occurred, the next day, the person scheduled to show up would. Captain Stanley would visit after Roy came. Each time, the conversation would rotate around to the months prior to his injuries or how his injuries occurred. When talked dwindled, which it usually did within a half-hour, John would be invited out and when that was denied, the offer to call whenever he needed was extended. Never a fan of talking about his problems in the first place, all these well-meaning visits did was alienate John from his shift mates.

 “I cry blood, not tears,” he muttered bitterly to himself as he watched in horror, disgust, and fascination after enduring yet another agonizing visit from his captain.

He had always pictured himself as having a steel safe for his deepest emotions. Somehow, despite what he desired and had done his whole life, they were escaping. Johnny didn’t know how or why, but each time they freed themselves, he became more worried and afraid. It seemed like memories would build too fast for him and the only way to shove all the messy crap that was seeming to kill him from the inside out was to do something painful to himself.

Running until his lungs and muscles burned didn’t help for long. Bending back or pushing forward joints didn’t either. The one thing, _the only thing_ , seemed to be cutting. Seeing the blade run across his tanned copper skin, the skin parting, the sharp stinging and then the blood dripping down. It was like a high he had never known before, not even while working.

 _I wonder…will I ever be able to stop?_ he wondered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. At the start of the month, my parents and I took a day trip. It took me two weeks to recover. Then this last week we had a heat wave where humidity put the temps in the 100's so no one really did anything around here, except head north if they could!


	7. Back to Work

The next three weeks passed slowly to Johnny and the night before his first shift back, he found himself pacing his apartment. Despite having run two miles that afternoon in an attempt to get rid of the excess nervous energy, John still felt uneasy about returning to work. Every fourth lap around the apartment or so seemed to wind up with him in the bathroom, fighting with himself.

"Darn it, Gage," he berated himself. "You give in and something happens at work, everyone is gonna find out just how messed up you are!"

Slamming the door behind him for yet another time, Johnny began pacing again. Finally, around 3 am, he sat on the couch and shortly thereafter, fell headlong into sleep. For a few hours, he was able to find peace before dreams of people screaming as the smoke overtook them and cooked their lungs or of family members who stood nearby, crying and begging the fire department to move faster. Yelling at them when their loved one was one of the lost, not able to comprehend at that moment that everyone was a victim of the arsonist.

Gasping for air as those memories flowed through him, Johnny swore he could almost smell the burnt buildings and worst yet, the burnt flesh. Looking at the clock, he decided it wasn't worth trying to sleep again just to get up in half an hour, so Johnny pulled himself up. Quickly getting ready for his shift, he noticed he still had 45 minutes until he had to be at the station, so in an effort to distract his mind from gruesome thoughts, John tidied up the apartment. Unfortunately, with all the nervous energy he has had lately, it didn't take long as it was already unusually organized and neat.

"Forget it," he angrily bit off. "I'll just head in now and take the long way. Then, I shouldn't be too early."

With that plan in place, he headed off in his Rover, muttering a prayer that the upcoming shift would not only be calm, but would go quickly - two things that never seemed to be actually possible at once.

* * *

Forty minutes later, Roy came into the kitchen and found all but Captain Stanley sitting around the table, waiting for the daily briefing on the arsonist.

"Hey partner," he greeted Johnny cheerfully, watching to see how he reacted.

"Morning," John muttered as he looked up briefly from the paper he had buried himself in to avoid contact with the others.

"Been here a bit?" Roy casually inquired, sipping his hot coffee carefully.

Shrugging, Johnny didn't answer.

"John actually was here not long after I got in," Mike volunteered.

Since Mike was second in command, he felt it was best to set a good example to the crew and was usually in around the same time as the captain or shortly thereafter. That meant getting ready and to the firehouse a full forty-five minutes ahead of time for him, but to Mike, it just was practice should he ever have the desire to become a captain himself.

"You should have seen Gage when he went for a cup of coffee. Somehow the phantom set up a water trap and the pigeon dodged it!" Chet's voice was mired in both admiration and disgust. It had been the perfect trap and he couldn't believe how Johnny effortless dodged it.

Rolling his eyes behind the paper, John continued his silence. As the men caught up about what they did on their days off, Captain Stanley walked in and indicated for the men to follow him to his office. It was tight quarters for a meeting, but it would allow the outgoing shift time for coffee and their own meeting before the shift ended if no runs occurred. Considering that it shouldn't take too long to update his men about the latest developments of what the media had dubbed the Chaos Arsonist, it was a small price to pay to help out the other shift.

"First of all," Cap said. "Welcome back, John. You've been missed."

A round of back slaps and greetings followed, but quickly faded as the each person noticed how uncomfortable Johnny was with the attention.

Quickly getting back to the agenda, Hank resolved to find time to speak to John in a more formal setting, hoping that it might convince him to talk more.

"There may be good news in relation to the arsonist. An anonymous sketch and a note with details about the last fire a couple weeks ago was forwarded to about four police departments. Each was nearly identical and the reason they feel there are differences is due to the fact they were done individually. The police feel that this is a valid lead, despite the fact no one actually came forward. According to the police, the person is scared of coming forward as they don't know any information besides what they gave. They are willing to do so once the arsonist is caught."

Passing around a sketch, Cap instructed, "I'd like you to continue doing your jobs, but keep an eye out for the person. If you see him, inform an officer. They will be looking for him as well. The person who gave the tip feels that someone may have been waiting with a car or a car was parked close by considering the amount of stuff that was being carried. Of course, that was a strip mall fire, so a smaller fire may be different.

"Just be careful out there. I know that we all know the arsonist never lasts for much more than two weeks before striking again, so be cautious," Hank said as he saw the clock move forward. "Let's meet in the bay and I'll assign chores once I inform C shift they are free to go whenever they wish."

Once the chores were assigned, Hank asked Johnny to see him in his office.

"I just wanted to see how things were going," he asked as he closed the door. "I know with the arsonist still loose, that has likely got to be tough on you."

Shrugging, Johnny looked down at his shoes before looking past his Captain, "I guess I'm a bit nervous. I just got this feeling that something will happen today with him. I mean, the timing is right. Otherwise, I think once I get back into the swing of things, I'll be okay."

"You sure?" Hank tried and failed to look into his eyes.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm hating the fallout from the arsonist, but I'm camping and cleaning a lot, which helps focus my mind," John told him, leaving out the other coping mechanism he had stumbled on.

 _Just please, no one figure that out and let me get through this shift without needing it,_ he prayed as his Captain debated the validity of his statements.

"Alright, go get the dorm done. And remember, you can see me anytime to talk with me."

Nodding, Johnny escaped out the door and in no time, was through with his assigned chore. It was just in time as he and Roy were called to a man down rescue. It turned out that a male had wanted to impress his girlfriend by showing off high diving moves and had tried jumping off the roof of his house into the in ground pool. Initially, only his legs went in the pool, but by the time the rescue squad got there, he had fallen into the pool completely. It took an hour of carefully moving him onto a backboard, then inserting a tube to breathe for him and stabilizing him with medications before they could head to Rampart.

* * *

Just before the noon hour, a call for a heart attack came in, but when it turned out to just be heartburn, the woman signed the waiver, stating she'd go to her own doctor if she felt worse. Relieved, Johnny was happy that for the most part the shift had been quiet. Unfortunately, at 2:33 Station 51 and Station 16 were called out to a freeway accident. Arriving, Johnny jumped out and hauled out the trauma box, following Cap's instructions to check the station wagon. Seeing the pile-up, John paused, his mind taking him back to the last accident he had responded where so many lives were changed forever.

Shaking his head, he continued onward, unaware that Captain Stanley had seen the pause.

 _I knew that you were having a harder time than what you would admit to,_ Hank thought as he continued directing the scene. _I just wish you'd open up to someone. So many people are willing to do so if you just say the word._

After three hours on the scene, the men headed back, tired and hungry. With luck on their side, all got a shower and a chance to eat. At 9:30 pm, everyone headed to bed early, praying for a quiet night.

It was not to be as the arsonist struck at 12:47, and they, along with three more stations, were called out to a giant warehouse that stored fabrics and clothing. Half of it was devoted to the manufacturing of said clothing. It took an exhausting five hours to put out and find all remaining hot spots. The only positive news came from the fact an officer had spotted the person from the sketch. However, as suspected, there was a getaway vehicle and only a partial license plate was gotten.

Since the end of their shift was so close, the Chief stood the responding stations down. It gave everyone a chance to shower, eat and relax. It also gave everyone a chance to talk before heading off shift on time for the first time in months.

Although everyone else was willing to share more of their angry, resentment and also hope that the latest piece of new information would help, Johnny held himself back. He wasn't quite sure how to respond to this. His mind was spinning too fast for much to process.

"I just hope that the guy doesn't ditch the car," Johnny admitted. "I guess that's my main thought now."

Nodding, Cap allowed that statement, glad at least John had something to say. Once everyone seemed to have wound down and the B-shift came in, he asked if everyone wanted to meet up somewhere for breakfast.

"Not me, I'm too exhausted," John told them after everyone else agreed.

Although everyone tried to get him to change his mind, it was set. He just wanted to go home and forget this day had happened.


	8. Breakfast Meeting

After discussing with the other crew members, Roy met up with Captain Stanley at a diner not usually frequented by firefighters. Both were even more concerned than before as when the other crew members were asked how they thought Johnny did on his first day back, they all felt something was off. No one could really pinpoint what was different – just that Johnny seemed to distance himself from everyone and wasn't quite the same person he was before going on disability leave. All wondered if it was due to being a victim of _Chaotic Arsonist,_ as the media had dubbed the fire starter or something else. However, it almost seemed more than that, as if Johnny held some sort of secret.

Whatever it was, Marco, Chet, and Mike, all agreed to keep a closer eye on Johnny and agreed it was best for them to just head home. No one wanted Johnny to feel as though the Station 51 "A" shift was ganging up on him and the hope was that if the breakfast meeting was discovered, it wouldn't be taken the wrong way. If it was, then perhaps John would be willing to turn to one of the other men of their shifts. As bad as it felt planning this out, each person knew that something wasn't right. No matter how long it took until things turned around for Johnny, each man vowed to be there for him. It wasn't a hard decision to make at all, or even really a decision at all. After seven years together, they were family and to them, this is what family did.

As Hank and Roy picked at their breakfast, they listed what they had noticed throughout the shift. For Roy especially, having a quiet, withdrawn John who couldn't seem to meet anyone's eyes was disturbing. In all their years as partners, never once could he recall a time when Johnny was so quiet unless he was injured. Both agreed he was still professional on the job, but it almost was like Johnny was disconnected from what was taking place in the station.

"I keep trying to talk to him, tell him the family misses him, ask him questions, discuss things, and ask him what he thinks," Roy sighed heavily as he explained what would take place in the squad. "But he would just give the shortest possible answer, sometimes just make a noise to let me know he heard me. It's unnerving."

"Do you think you can trust him?" Hank asked, worried.

Pausing, Roy thought about it, "Right now, yes. I just know that there is going to be a breaking point. When or how it'll happen, I don't know. I think that worries me. If Johnny doesn't start talking about what is bothering him, what happens if he reaches that point on shift?"

Sighing heavily, Hank pushed back slightly from the table. His eyes were clouded with worry.

"I understand, but from what Kel says, it doesn't seem like there is any reason to take John off shift or do more than strongly recommend he goes back to consoling. With the debriefing we have more or less every shift, I honestly cannot see him doing that."

"I can't either Cap," replied Roy sadly. "I just wish he would let us in."

"What about his aunt? Have you tried talking with her?" Hank wondered. "I know it's kind of underhanded, but…"

Looking uncomfortable, Roy couldn't meet his Captain's eyes.

"Actually, I couldn't due to Johnny. I know over the last year, her diabetes has gotten a lot worse. She also suffered a minor stroke about 14 months ago. To say the least, she isn't doing well at all."

"Ahh, jeez," Hank ran his hand through his hair. "And John didn't want anyone to know, right?"

"I think it was him and his aunt's decision, but yeah," Roy said. "We already knew how bad things were for her and her diabetes seems to be tricky, but she is going downhill faster than anyone thought."

Sighing, Hank shook his head, "This can't be helping."

"Actually," Roy put in. "Johnny was dealing well with everything. He felt guilty at first about being grateful about the stroke, but since the stroke caused memory loss, his aunt really isn't aware of what is happening now. I told him it was reasonable to see it as a blessing."

"It's still got to be tough," Hank shook his head again.

"But the point is, he was dealing," pointed out Roy. "At least for the most part. So, we can reasonably assume that the issues Johnny has been having started right about four months ago, soon after Johnny was injured."

"But how are we supposed to help him, if he won't let us?" Hank huffed, frustrated.

"That, I don't know."

"And why then? Why not sooner? The arsonist had been around for four months prior?" Hank wondered out loud.

"Again, I don't know," Roy repeated, feeling frustrated himself. "All I know is something is going on with Johnny and he won't let us in. Until he does or we see something we can take to Doctor Brackett, our hands are tied."

"Sorry," Hank apologized sheepishly.

"No problem," Roy gave off a half smiled. "I get where you're coming from, believe me. We just have to wait and be there for him."

Nodding, Hank paid for the meal and they headed their separate ways.


	9. Spiraling

As the two of them held their breakfast meeting, Johnny raced home as quickly as possible without getting pulled over. He knew everyone had been watching him closely this last shift and he felt as though his skin was shrinking.

"If I didn't know it was possible, I'd swear my skin was steel and trying to suffocate me," he mumbled as he turned off his Rover and threw open the door.

Jogging up the stairs to his apartment, Johnny let himself in before quickly slamming the door close. Locking it didn't feel secure enough from the demons chasing him, he thought about placing end tables against it. Only the fireman in him stopped him.

"Jeez, Gage," he berated himself as he stripped off his clothes to shower. "Nuts enough?"

The bathroom was no longer a safe place, so he quickly showered and despite temperatures near 80's, he bundled up in boxers and a t-shirt before putting on sweatpants and a sweatshirt. His mind couldn't stop racing and the picture of the arsonist kept flashing in his head. There was something familiar about him.

Closing his eyes, Johnny prayed he would sleep. Instead, he was hurled back to a five story apartment building fire. It was one of the nicer apartment complexes, with good safety features and where a lot of families had lived. There, however, somehow the arsonist had turned off all the sprinkler systems and blocked many of the exits. The call had gone out right around 2 a.m. The first floor entry ways were filled with smoke and flamed by the time Station 51's "A" shift got there less than 8 minutes later.

On every floor, there was fire and smoke. People were screaming, crying, begging for help. There were so many children and adults….

Shaking his head, Johnny opened his eyes, hoping to erase the images, but they kept coming.

Him and Roy gearing up. Going in the building. Finding so many dead bodies from smoke. More kids than adults had succumbed to the intense smoke, despite their parent's efforts. Bodies burning as parents huddled over their kids, trying to protect them, trying to find a way out. Some lowered their kids from the upper windows to get them out. It had been one of the worst fires the arsonist had done.

People accused the firefighters of not doing more. Screaming at him and his fellow firefighters. Hitting them with their words and fists until the police officers could get to them. The battle went on for hours. It wasn't until 12 hours later that the fire was finally out. The body count was staggering. 38% of the residents were dead, of those who perished, 21% were kids. 40% were injured - although only 19% were labeled severe. Somehow, the arsonist had been able to find the rooms of the children and ensure the most damage was done there.

Crying, he found himself, sitting in his cold bathroom, shivering with only his t-shirt on as the razor sliced through his thigh again and again.

"Make it stop, please God!" he moaned out. "Just let it stop!"

The blade slipped from his fingers from all the blood that had been spilled. Still needing something, he began pounding on his legs, unaware that his Captain had come to check on him and found him curled up in the corner.


	10. Catch Me

Shocked, Hank stood staring at his youngest crew mate. He had never faced anything like this before and despite being told what types of signs that could indicate a breakdown or a sign of something else, the Brass had never prepared him for this. Taking a deep breath, went around the corner and grabbed a couple of towels.

Slowly approaching John, he sat down next to him and gathered him in his arm, while the other placed the towels over the cuts. With the cuts covered, Hank held on tightly and began trying to soothe the surprised man.

"It's okay," Hank whispered, gently rocking him. "I'm right here now. I'll help you any way I can, just try and relax. That's it."

As Johnny gave in, he more or less melted into his Captain's arms and began crying. Rubbing his back, Hank just muttered soothing words as best as he could. Although he had never had a biological son, he had also felt like his crew was made up of his sons, especially John. He had been so young when he took over the leadership position and still was in so many ways. Hank knew many of the guys watched out more for Johnny as they felt protective of him. With only an aunt in poor health, the crew was his family.

A half-hour later, Johnny finally regained control of himself. Wiping at his eyes, he glanced away and trying to move out of his Captain's arms.

"Sorry, Cap," he mumbled.

"It's okay," he replied softly, giving one last squeeze. "But I think you and I need to talk. After I look at those cuts."

Knowing by the tone of voice he had no choice, and feeling relieved someone finally figured it out, Johnny gave in.

"I'm not suicidal," he said as Hank picked up a washcloth and dampened it.

"Can I ask why you did this?" Hank asked as casual as possible as he cleaned the cuts. "It looks like it isn't the first time."

Shrugging, Johnny didn't answer.

"I think you might have a clue," Hank said, handing over the antibiotic and bandages.

"It just felt good," Johnny shrugged, unsure how to explain it.

Pulling Johnny up and guiding him into the living room, Hank remarked, "It didn't look like it to me."

Sighing, John knew he had to explain more and as his Captain got the coffee going, he spilled the whole tale, beginning with how he found out that causing pain stopped the images and everything from the last eight or so months. At least for a bit.

Nodding as he sat, Hank paused and admitted, "I understand the nightmares about the horrors on the job. I also get wanting to stop them, but this is not a good way. I want to take you down to see Doctor Brackett today. Hopefully, he can help you with this as I know I can't.

I won't tell anyone you don't want me to about this. But you have to let me take you to see Brackett, deal?"

Sipping at his coffee, Johnny knew he was beaten. Besides, he was tired of fighting with himself and tired of the pain.

Gathering up his courage, he asked, "Can you stay with me?"

Nodding, Hank promised to be there, "Now, go get dressed. And thank you for trusting me to be there for you."

Shrugging, John headed to his room.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Johnny and Hank arrived at Rampart. Seeking out Dixie, Hank asked to speak with Kel.

"Sure, he's finishing up with a patient right now, but you two can wait in his office," she said smiling at him. "I'll send him in when he's done."

Hank and Johnny headed down the hall. Once in the office, Johnny began pacing nervously.

"What's wrong?"

"What if he locks me up? Or kicks me out of the paramedic program? I mean, it's not like I wanted to do this! Oh, man," Johnny flopped on the couch and buried his face.

"Honestly, I don't know what will happen," Hank told him as he sat next to him. "What I do know is that you can't continue to function as you have been. I know you may not want to hear this, but everyone on our shift is worried about you. They know you aren't doing well, that something is wrong. It's why I came to check on you.

"I do know that I will fight to keep you on board with us if the doctor believes it is best for you. Plus, you know Sara and I will be here for you. You know how my wife is if I tell her I promised to keep something a secret, but I need to be somewhere for someone, she pushes me out the door."

"Yeah, she is kinda pushy," John smiled a bit, which dropped quickly when the door opened, revealing Doctor Bracket.

"Hi, Dixie mentioned you two wanted to see me? Would you like her in here as well?"

Glancing at his captain, Johnny shrugged his shoulders, clearly uncomfortable and unsure. Hank knew how bad some of the cuts were and since he didn't know if any would need stitches, he felt Dixie might as well be here.

"Invite her in, I think it might be best," Hank spoke up.

"That okay with you Johnny?" Kel asked.

"I guess," he said softly.

Seeing that whatever had brought John in wasn't going to be an easy topic, he opened the door and motioned for Dixie to come in. Silence filled the room for a bit before Hank spoke up and revealed what he had witnessed that morning, along with the talk the two had afterward. Although both Kel and Dixie were shocked, it didn't show on their faces.

"How long has this been happening, Johnny?" Kel asked compassionately.

"When I broke my arm, it just felt good to hit it. When that wasn't enough after a week or so, I found myself with a razor blade," he said very quietly, his hands on his lap, his fingers twisting around each other's and his head down.

"How often do you cut?"

"I don't know…" John admitted. "I don't think about it."

"Have you ever found yourself cutting without knowing you were?" Kel inquired.

"Yeah."

"Do you know what images, thoughts, or sounds were going on in your head before this?" he questioned and watched Johnny's reaction carefully.

"Usually, uh, the umm," John was growing more fidgety as he remembered. "Fires with the people trapped, the getting angry at us for not doing more. People hurting, dying. Thinking there's more we should do."

By this time, Johnny's feet were wriggling and he was trying to scratch his arm hard. However, Hank had noticed and held on tight in a half-bear hug to pin his arms. Breathing heavy, Johnny felt even more claustrophobic than before.

"What's happening now, Johnny?" Kel asked as he took Johnny's pulse and blood pressure.

"It's like, I don't know, inside of me is this huge itch and if it doesn't stop, I don't know, honestly, just want it to stop," he said.

"Dixie, get 5 mg of diazepam please. Johnny, if you hold on just a bit, I'm going to give you something to help. I think you're having something like a panic attack and the medication should help," Kel told him.

As soon as Dixie came back, Kel gave the medication and after ten minutes, John's body slowly reacted.

"Better, sweetie?" Dixie asked.

"Yeah, usually…" Johnny trailed off, embarrassed.

"You found a way to cope with the memories, just not in a good way," Kel said. "I know some of my colleagues believe it is a suicide attempt…"

Johnny snorted at that.

"But I'm not in that school of thought. We have to teach you how to deal with these emotions and find a better coping skill, or possibly more than one skill. It may take a bit, but I do think it is possible."

"How long is a while? And what about work? I don't want this to get around or on my record," Johnny rambled.

"I don't know how long this might take and as far as keeping it off your record, that can be done. Right now, since work was a trigger, I think you need a break. Right now, I do need to see those cuts and make sure they are healing properly."

"Fine," Johnny sighed. "Do I get to go home?"

Kel looked at Hank as he hesitated, "I would prefer you stay with someone right now. I'd rather be safe than sorry right now."

Sighing again, Johnny asked what he thought was one of the worst things, "And who do I have to see as far as shrinks go?"

"Uh, actually, I would prefer you talk with me," Kel admitted. "We have great counselors, but I don't feel comfortable with bringing up this issue as most of them don't see it as a way to cope. Hopefully, we can work together. If it doesn't work, then we can always go the traditional route. It's up to you, however."

"I'd rather talk to you, doc," Johnny said quickly.

"I sort of figured that," he smiled. "Alright, let's go to a treatment room and get you on your way."

"And don't worry, Johnny," Hank said. "You can stay at my place as long as needed. As far as what I'll tell the rest of the guys is that things were quite as healed as the doctors thought they were and you'd like some privacy for now."

Smiling a smile that didn't meet his eyes, Johnny thanked his Captain as they followed Doctor Brackett and Dixie to a treatment room. Luck was on John's side as no cut needed stitching and as long as he continued to clean them, put on antibacterial cream and bandages, they would heal with time.

Before they left, Kel said he would meet Johnny at Hank's around seven if that was fine to begin sessions. With that agreement in place, Hank drove Johnny to pack before taking him to his house.


	11. Informal Setting

As Doctor Brackett arrives, Hank takes his wife Sylvia and their three kids out for dessert. Once the vehicle left, John just stood in the living room, shuffling back and forth on his feet, clearly nervous and unsure what to do. At the suggestion to just sit down and relax, Johnny plopped down and stared at his feet for a few seconds. Allowing the silence to stretch out, Kelly wasn't too caught off guard when Johnny blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"Why the heck are you doing this, doc? I mean, I'd think that you wouldn't allow me to leave the hospital or send me to the psych ward or something."

"Normally, I would," Dr. Brackett admitted. "But I know a lot of people hold to the old way of thinking and while in some cases, I think that maybe some people do cut themselves for attention or to try and end their life, I can't see it with you. Unless I'm reading you wrong."

Shaking his head in denial, Johnny ran his hands through his hair in frustration, "Trust me, if I could, I wouldn't be doing this. I just, well, I don't even seem to know I'm doing it till it's too late!"

Watching the emotions play across Johnny's face, Brackett saw not just frustration, but confusion, fear, and hatred. There were also things that he couldn't quite figure out.

"Why don't we just take things one step at a time," he offered. "Tell me the first time you remember pain helping you."

"I'm not really sure," John said slowly. "I know it's when I had my cast on and my ribs were still healing. I'd do stupid stuff, like hitting my wrist or moving in a way I knew I shouldn't."

"Alright," nodded Kelly. "One thing I want to point out is that it isn't as stupid as you believe. What you have been doing is not a good way of coping, but I'm betting that the pain is helping in some way, right?"

"Yeah, it's kinda like erases the stuff going on in my head when it gets to be too much. Like when I feel can't breathe anymore."

"Are there any particular memories that you think cause the problem?" the doctor asked, already suspecting what the answer was.

Breathing harder, Johnny began scratching at his skin as he told the doctor about the numerous nightmares he'd been having.

"I keep hearing these people screaming for help and the families yelling at us for not doing more. Or the people hating us for not getting us to them sooner, 'Cause it means they are living with some sort of permanent injury. I see the flames trapping everyone and people unable to breathe."

"Okay, okay," Brackett breaks in, grabbing hold of the hand that is starting to really dig into the flesh. "Has this ever happened before?"

"Nah, I mean, there's been bad times, but with this arsonist, I don't know. It's different. I just keep hearing people saying we should have more information, caught him by now and yet, we hardly have gotten anywhere!" Jumping up, Johnny began to pace. "It's just so frustrating!"

Calmly, Kel remained seated, studying John.

"What about yesterday? What was it about yesterday that was worse than normal?"

"I don't know," sighed John.

"Was going back to work hard?" Doctor Brackett prodded.

"No, not until the arsonist stuff came up. It actually helped being around the crew again."

"So, when the fire was called in…" Kelly started before Johnny broke him off.

"No, actually it was that sketch that made me, I don't know, feel like my skin was too tight and I needed to do something about it," John realized. "If we hadn't had such a busy day, I honestly am not sure what I would have done."

"Did you recognize the person?" Dr. Brackett asked, trying to not show how eager he was about the possibility.

Reviewing the sketch in his mind, Johnny went through the victims he took care of before his injury, which weren't many as it had been so long.

His face lighting up, he spun around and sat on the chair, "Yeah, that guy looked just like an older version of that victim that was trapped under those pallets. You know, the ones that fell on me?"

Realizing how stupid that sounded, he scoffed at himself, "I know, stupid, no one ages that quickly and how would anyone go from having a whole nose to a nose with a piece missing. One that even I can tell isn't recent as it's healed."

"It is possible that there is more than one arsonist," Kelly pointed out. "It could be a father and son working together."

"Maybe," John said doubtfully.

"I think it's something we should let the police know about. I'll be happy to go with you tomorrow," promised Dr. Brackett.

Getting a nod from John, he continued on, "Right now though, I want you to concentrate on if there is anything that you find sets you off and leads you to cut. No matter how big or small."

"Besides the nightmares or remembering things, I'm not sure," Johnny admitted. "It's just like, my brain is going in so many directions and filled up with so many bad thoughts and I can't get that to stop. Half the time I'm not even aware I'm doing what I'm doing till it's done, ya know?"

"What have you done in the past when things got bad at work?"

"I would go camping, but that hasn't worked. I'd go hiking, again, not working," Johnny admitted, feeling more depressed.

"I know you'd talk things over with Roy, have you tried that?" Kelly asked gently.

"No," John shook his head. "What am I supposed to say? 'Hey, I got too many thoughts in my head and they're trying to making me hurt myself, can you help?' I don't think so."

"Well, that would be one way of doing things," Kelly said smiling, in an attempt to lighten things up. "But I do think telling him what is going on might help. Roy may be feeling overwhelmed and frustrated too. Maybe he isn't sure you want to talk since in his eyes, you haven't been dealing with it for a couple months. Maybe he's trying to protect you. I do think, however having someone else on your crew know that you're struggling with cutting is important."

"I wouldn't know who to talk to…definitely not Kelly. Marco, I can't see either. He wouldn't know how to deal except pray to St. Jude. Mike, well, he's a good guy but not the kind you talk to, you know?" John rolled his eyes. "Besides, why bother, it isn't like you're ever going to let me work again."

"Once we find some better coping methods and you learn to use them, I don't see why not," Doctor Brackett said calmly. "I will need to be assured that you know you can turn to certain people when you need help and for a while, I will need a visual check to ensure that you are keeping your word."

Holding up his hand to forestall the arguments he knew would come, Kelly said, "In my eyes, cutting and self-harm is like being an alcoholic or a drug addict. I don't believe you have become addicted yet, but as your doctor and more importantly, as your friend, I want to ensure your safety and health."

Sighing heavily, Johnny nodded, knowing that he really didn't have much choice.

"Is that anything you'd like to talk about? We have a few minutes before the Stanleys come home."

"Just, how long till I can go home?"

Thinking about it, Kelly shrugged his shoulders, "I don't have a good answer for you. I know you hate depending on people, but your Captain and his family are more than willing to help as long as it takes."

Seeing the car lights pull into the driveway, Johnny quickly said good-bye and went into the guest room, not willing to stick around any longer. They could talk about him all they wanted, he was just exhausted and wanted to sleep until the next session tomorrow morning.


	12. Police Station

As promised, Kel arrived at nine the next morning. Watching from the corner of his eye as they drove to the police station, he could tell Johnny was nervous by how he was trying to resist digging his finger nails into his upper legs.

Hoping to ease his mind, he told John, "I spoke to Detective Crockett last night. He promised that the head of the arson investigations, an Allan Gardener, will make sure to be there so it's easier for you. I was told that a stenographer will be there as well. That way once she transcribes everything, you can sign a statement."

"What then?" Johnny wondered. "And am I allowed to give out the name I do remember from the incident?"

"In this case, the privacy laws you were taught about protecting a patient's name and medical information, doesn't apply. I double checked last night with Detective Crockett and he agreed. Since this is a matter of public safety and concern, as long as we don't pry into his medical records without a warrant, we will be fine. To be on the safe side," Doctor Brackett assured him as he pulled into the visitors parking at the station. "Once we have the exact date and as much information as possible, we'll call Dixie and ask her to pull up the address. Then, I was told a judge was expecting the information so a warrant will be issued fairly quickly."

"So, if the so-called victim gave out the right information, it could be over soon?" sighed Johnny.

"Yes. And of course, once the warrant is issued for the person, there will be a check run on his name to see who his father is or if he has any older brothers. Warrants will be issued for them as well. Also, I was told the police would see if there was any other known property in the family."

Seeing Johnny begin to breathe heavier and really dig his fingers into his jeans, Brackett realized that perhaps he shouldn't have told John so much at once. Grabbing his hands, Kelly had to fight a bit before being able to control them.

"Hey, HEY!" Kel finally said sharply.

Caught off guard, Johnny sucked in a breath harshly and turned to look at him.

"Look at me and how I'm breathing," Doctor Brackett coached. "Slowly in through your nose. Hold it. Now let out a deep breath through your mouth. Again. Slowly in through your nose. Hold it. Now let out a deep breath through your mouth."

A few minutes later, Johnny began to settle down and was able to start settling down on his own. Releasing his wrists, Kelly watched him carefully, making sure he kept focusing on his breathing and didn't go back to trying to claw his skin off. Five more minutes passed by before he thought John was calm enough.

"You doing better?" he asked. Seeing the nodded, Kel queried, "So, can you tell me what was going on."

Running not so steady hands through his hair, John thought for a minute.

"I guess it feels like things are coming to a head. If I mess up or am wrong, it's my fault, you know?" he said softly, unable to look at the doctor.

Turning John's head gently so he would face him, Doctor Brackett spoke firmly, "This is not your fault. None of this is. If this isn't the right person, that isn't your fault either. All you are doing is trying to help and that is all that is being asked of you. The only person to blame is the one who is starting these fires and hurting those people. You are just doing what you can to help.

"And it is not just here," Kelly went on. "Every time you have gone in to try and save someone in a fire, whether it was set by this arsonist or not, is something right that you are doing. The outcome may not be ideal and people may blame you, but I repeat: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT."

Placing emphasis on those last three words, Kel saw that he was starting to get Johnny to realize some important truths he seemed to have forgotten.

"Fire doesn't pick and choose its victims. It is merciless and cruel. So are car accidents, chemical spills, and all the other things you and I come across. Life happens and with it, things will happen that we wish we could prevent, but we aren't gods. We are just humans. We can only simply do our best to help those willing to accept it," pausing to let that sink in, he continued. "Just like right now, you are choosing to try and help by speaking up with what you know. Right or wrong, it doesn't matter. At least you are trying and that is all we as humans can do."

Letting the silence stretch out as Johnny thought about it, minutes passed by. Kelly watched as John first looked confused, quickly followed by acknowledgment. Resisting the ideas Kel gave him seemed to come next and after what Brackett could guess was an integral battle, acceptance slowly started to come to the forefront. With that, peace also came.

"I…uh, I never thought about it that way," Johnny admitted, so quietly, Kel almost couldn't hear him.

"Maybe it's time to start," came a reply that was just a bit louder.

Nodding, Johnny took a deep breath and opened the door, finally ready to face the Detective and arson investigator.

* * *

"So, Doctor Brackett said last night was the first time you thought of the connection between the incident where you were injured on the job and the potential suspect?" questioned Crockett.

"Yes. I mean, it was at the back of my mind throughout the shift that it looked familiar, but we were just so busy, I didn't have much time to give it any thought," John replied.

Nodding, Crockett knew that John had been taken to the hospital after shift for what was being called a work related injury and was currently staying at his Captain's house. Knowing that was unusual, but unwilling to cause the arson investigator to contact John's superiors, he skipped over the next day.

"So, when Doctor Brackett came to check on you yesterday, it was while you were talking that it finally occurred?" he asked to clarify.

"Yeah, we were talking about some stuff and we started talking about the latest fire. That led to the newest leads and I kept saying there was something familiar. I'm not sure, but by asking some questions, Doctor Brackett helped me to remember why it was so familiar."

Going over the characteristics that were similar and dissimilar, Detective Crockett also was able to determine that Brackett hadn't influenced Johnny in any way.

Just to make sure, he asked, "So, Doctor Brackett, what do you think about all this?"

"Honestly, I can't remember treating the person. It could have been anyone on the staff that day, but I do trust Johnny," Kel backed up his paramedic.

Nodding, Crockett asked John if there was anything else he remembered.

"I know that part of his name is Evan. I don't know if it is his first or last, or if it's his actual name. But he said to call him that and it was on his uniform."

"Did the uniform look similar to those who worked there?" the detective asked, intrigued by this new information.

Never having thought of that, Johnny blinked his eyes rapidly before closing them.

"This was a one piece type of uniform, where you zip it up. If I remember right, the others had similar uniforms, but they were two pieces. His was a tannish color. The others were black pants and bright shirts, like a yellow, maybe?"

Impressed, Detective Crockett said so and after making sure the arson investigator had nothing they wanted to ask, nor was there anything Doctor Brackett or Johnny wanted to add, he sent the stenographer to transcribe the deposition.

"It shouldn't take more than an hour. She is one of our fastest typists. While we wait, I'll have you call Ms. McCall if you don't mind," the detective said.

"Not at all. If you'll excuse me," Kel said as he went to use the phone in an unused office.

As the three waited for someone to return, the silence grew uncomfortable and no one was quite sure what to say. It was with great relief when Kelly returned less than ten minutes later with the information in hand as to who the patient was.

"According to our records, the patient was Evan Collins, age 35. Contact person is Vincent Collins, age 57. Vincent is Evan's father. We also have an address for both of them," Doctor Brackett shared excitedly.

"Excellent!" Allan finally spoke up for the first time.

"We just have to wait, though," Detective Crockett cautioned. "We don't know for sure that these are who we've been looking for or if the addresses are listed."

"Well, I know I shouldn't say this, but according to Dixie, she remembers Vincent coming in once about six years back. It seems like the reason why is that part of his nose was bitten off by a squirrel."

Seeing the various looks, from disbelief on Allan's face, to pain and amusement on Johnny's, to puzzlement on Detective Crockett's, Kelly shrugged.

"What can I say? Some of our odd cases are easy to remember," he defended his head nurse and friend.

"That's for sure," John muttered.

Thankfully for Allan who was looking a bit pale, the stenographer came in with John's statement. As she left, Crockett looked over it quickly.

"Alright, all you need to do is read this over John and if there is something that needs to be changed, just let me know. Otherwise, just sign at the bottom and each of us here will as well as witnesses."

Nodding, Johnny quickly read the document and then scanned it over, before announcing everything looked right. Signing it, he passed it to Detective Crockett first, who then passed it to Allan, before Doctor Brackett finished with the witness signatures.

"Thank you, gentlemen, for your time and help," the detective said as he got up. "I'll just run this over to the judge and I'm sure with this and with what other evidence we have, a warrant for the two Collins will be issued within a couple hours. Hopefully, by the end of today or tomorrow, we'll have them in custody."

"That's it?" Johnny wondered, amazed that was all that was needed to be done.

"For now," Crockett reassured him. "If the case goes to trial, you'll likely be a key witness, but that won't be unless these are the right people. If these are and they pled guilty, then you wouldn't be needed."

"Okay…thanks," Johnny said, feeling uncertain.

"If it helps, I really think we got the right people," Crockett offered as he turned towards the door.

Nodding, Johnny took his leave with Doctor Brackett.


	13. Coping Skills?

Honestly, at this point, I'm thinking of quitting this story... Not many seem into it and I'm a bit lost at to how to get where I want to go, thus why updates are so slow.

* * *

Kel had a while before he was scheduled to work and knew that since Dixie was around, that if he was running late, she'd ensure he was covered. Thinking quickly about how to approach what happened today and the fact he wanted to make sure Johnny was doing as fine as possible after such a difficult morning, Kel figured it would be best to just be straight with him.

"Before I drop you back at the Stanley's, would it be okay if we went to your apartment and talked? I won't have time otherwise today," Doctor Brackett explained.

"Sure, I guess," John replied. "But can we grab some lunch first?"

Agreeing, the two picked a quiet dinner near Johnny's apartment. Although neither spoke as they ate, the silence wasn't awkward as both were processing what had happened at the police station. When both were finished, they spent the few minutes ride in silence. This time, John was nervous while Kelly was calm. Before Johnny got out, Kel put a hand on him to stop him.

"What's wrong?"

Looking away, then at his door briefly, Johnny stuttered, "Well, umm, not sure what the place looks like. Wasn't doing too good a couple days ago, you know, and umm, well..."

"I realize that," Brackett said softly. "That's one reason I wanted to you to come here today. It'll be easier to face things that happened here the sooner you confront them."

"I'd really rather not."

"I know, but you'll have to sooner or later."

Sighing, Johnny nodded and opened the door. Following him, Kel noted as they got closer, John slowed down a bit. As he took out the keys and unlocked the door, Johnny almost appeared to be bracing himself for an attack.

"It's going to be okay," Kel reassured him.

Nodding again, but still unable to speak, Johnny lets them into the apartment. Closing the door behind them, he walked slowly to the bathroom, needing to see if the horrors in his mind were true. Allowing him space, but still close enough to reach John if need be, Kelly allowed him to face what he assumed was the worst part about being back in his place.

Turning the corner, Johnny began breathing more heavily, _Man, I didn't think this would be so hard. Come on, just a few more steps. There. Now, turn on the light._

Staring into the bathroom, he was both relieved and confused, _There's no blood. No blades. Wait, there's a bit of blood on the shower curtain. Why am I disappointed?_

After giving him a few minutes, Kel asked, "What's going through your mind?"

Laughing slightly, John honestly told him, "I expected blood and there isn't. I kind of feel...cheated in a way. Disappointed. Relieved. Confused. Dumb, huh?"

"Not really," Dr. Brackett said as he indicated they should sit in the living room. "If you saw what you expected- the blood from when you hurt yourself- it would validate what happened. But the evidence is gone. So, I'm guessing you're relieved, but also feeling cheated that your feelings were erased."

Stunned, Johnny just looked at his friend and doctor. He knew no matter how much time he was given, there was no way he could have figured that out.

Smiling slightly, Kel moved on, "Why don't you tell me how you felt about this morning?"

Blinking at the change in subject, John answered quickly, "I felt good. Like really good. I felt as if I had some control for the first time in months."

"Good, I'm glad. But we still need to find ways to help you cope when you don't feel in control," Brackett pointed out, knowing Johnny may be trying to take an easy way out.

"I know," Johnny sighed. "I did decide it'd be probably good to let Roy know what's going on. I was kind of hoping you'd be able to help with that."

"Sure, we can do that whenever you'd like," Kel said, proud that he was at least thinking of taking a positive step forward. "Have you thought about keeping a journal to record how you're feeling and what's going on in your day to day life?"

Scoffing at that, he shook his head, "Too girlie."

Raising an eyebrow at him, Doctor Brackett gave him a look. John knew that look all too well, it was his: **_So what...this is for your own good._**

'I can't get away with anything!' Johnny grouched to himself.

"Fine, I'll try it," he gave in, trying hard not to whine.

"So, when would you like to meet up with Roy?" Kel moved on, knowing better than to push that subject further.

"Never?" John gave the doc a half-grin.

"Sooner is better," simply stated Brackett.

"Fine," he huffed. "Today?"

Nodding, Kel and Johnny quickly worked out it would be best to see if Cap could be there as well. Figuring it'd be best to have the talk at the hospital, Doctor Brackett called Hank first and then Roy, setting up a meeting time a half-hour from now. Heading to the hospital, Kel tried to reassure Johnny that things would be fine, but to no avail. Giving up after a few minutes, he just let the silence stretch out, praying he wasn't wrong about how Roy would react and that he would be someone else Johnny could turn to during this time of crisis.


	14. Clued In

Curious as to why Doctor Brackett wanted to meet with him about Johnny, Roy decided to leave his home early.

 _I wonder if he finally figured out what's going on with Johnny,_ Roy thought. _I hope so. I'd sure like to know myself. I got to admit, I'm getting tired of being pushed away and I know Jo and the kids missing seeing him. I'm not sure how much longer I can convince them that's its best just to give him some time and space, especially since Johnny is back at work again. It'd definitely be good to have my old partner back at work instead of the short-tempered one as well._

Entering the hospital, Roy saw Captain Stanley and Johnny enter Doctor Brackett's office. Even more eager to know what was going on, he headed there, knocking on the door that was partway open.

"Come on in," Kel smiled at him, shutting the door behind him and motioning to one of the chairs in front of the desk. "Thanks for coming in on such short notice."

"No problem. I know you said something important came up and well…" trailing off, Roy wasn't sure what to say as he didn't want to give away the fact he had thought that the meeting would be about possibly confronting Johnny.

"I'm sure you're a bit confused about the why. Johnny, would you like to explain things?" Doctor Brackett asked.

Shaking his head no, John began shifting even more on the couch, trying not to scratch his legs.

 _Yeah, I'm really going to spill my guts, doc,_ he thought sarcastically. _I barely managed to get this far in, I really don't think I anymore left so that Roy can see just how messed up I am._

Seeing how nervous Johnny was, Kel nodded toward Hank, who sat next to Johnny. Laying a hand briefly on his shoulder, Johnny looked up at his Cap's gesture and understood that the two of them were there for him.

"Let's just get this over with," Johnny mumbled.

"From what I've heard from your Captain, you know something hasn't been quite right with Johnny," Brackett began and then continued when he saw Roy nodded. "The reason behind his moodiness, trying to distance himself and not having the same amount of patience as he usually does is due to two reasons. One is the fact that he isn't dealing as well with the actions of the arsonists and how people react afterward. It is similar to a post-traumatic, but I'm hopeful that it will be short-term."

Seeing that Roy was nodding and taking everything in, Kel took a breath and dropped the other news, "The second issues, and again, I'm hoping it will be short-term is that the main way Johnny is dealing with the problems is by cutting, or self-harming."

"Wait, what?" Roy asked, confused.

Looking at his best friend, he asked again, "What's the doc saying, Johnny?"

Shrugging, Johnny hated how Roy looked at him. It was like he didn't recognize him anymore or believe what was happening.

 _G-d, my skin is getting way too tight, I gotta get outta here so I can breathe,_ Johnny thought, as he jumped up from his seat and slammed the door on his way out.

Hank rose to go after him, as did Roy, but Kel stopped both of them.

"Just hang on, I'm not too surprised this happened," Doctor Brackett told them. "I already told Dixie to watch out for him just in case, okay?"

Seeing both of them nod, he turned to answer Roy's question.

"Now, Roy, I believe you wanted to know what I meant by the fact Johnny is self-harming?" Kel asked. Seeing Roy nod, Kel continued, "What I mean is that when things get too hectic in Johnny's mind or when things get too intense or too overwhelming, Johnny has been picking up a razor blade and cutting his leg with it."

Wincing at the image, Roy simply asked, "Why?"

"From what I've learned just by talking to him in the last couple days, it helps stop the random thoughts and rapid thinking. It's a coping skill, a negative one just like drinking or smoking or drugs, but still a coping skill," the doctor explained. "I'm working on, first of all, figuring out why he started and we have more or less done that. Then, we are going to work on finding better coping skills. One of them was possibly calling you if Johnny was having issues and felt the urge to cut. Even if he didn't talk about what was bothering him, just talking to a friend would be helpful. Of course, that's only if you're willing."

Blinking rapidly and trying to take all this in, Roy answered as soon as he could that he'd be more than willing.

"But what set this off? And can he still work? What about the fact that he's on his own? To me, that seems, well, a bit dangerous right now considering," Roy listed off his concerns.

Smiling slightly and glancing towards Hank, Doctor Brackett reassured Roy, "First of all, right now, he is officially off work for medical reasons. I have it listed as related to the injuries sustained before he went back to work last shift and as long as Johnny continues doing well with just talking with me about this, I see no reason to change that. If, however, something were to happen, well, unfortunately, then things would get complicated.

"As to him being alone, that's why Hank is here. I guess your Captain was worried and went to check on him. When he found Johnny, he had cut quite a bit, so Hank brought him here and told me what was going on as far as he knew. I didn't want Johnny alone and Hank called his wife, so right now, he's staying with the Stanleys. I plan on visiting there or going somewhere to talk every day possible with Johnny."

"What can I do?" wondered Roy.

"Just be there and be his friend," Hank spoke up. "I'd say just treat him like you normally do when he has something bugging him."

Looking towards Kel, Roy saw him nod.

Sighing, Roy sat back a bit, "I can do that."

"I think between us three and Dixie, we can get him through this crisis," Kel said.

"Oh, I wanted to ask," Hank interrupted. "How'd this morning go?"

"It went better than expected. Hopefully, within a couple days the police should know who to look for and where."

"Wait, what are you talking about?" Roy asked, befuddled.

"It turns out that the sketch John saw at the Station triggered a memory of a victim you two treated. It wasn't the same person, but I guess they two were very similar," Hank explained.

Picking up where Hank left off, Kel explained further, "It turns out that the last victim Johnny helped before he got injured is likely the son of the person in the police sketch. Based on what Johnny remembered, we got a name and hopefully, the address is correct as well."

Shocked, Roy smiled, "Way to go, Junior."

"Yeah, it is good news," Doctor Brackett smiled. "It is also helping a bit in terms of giving Johnny some control back that he desperately needed."

"I guess us fireman could be considered somewhat control freaks," Roy sheepishly admitted.

Scoffing, Kel just ask, "Well, should we go see where Johnny went off to?"

Nodding their agreement, Hank and Roy proceeded Doctor Brackett out the door and to the private lounge that he directed them towards.


	15. Breaking Down

Slamming the door behind him, Johnny fought to catch his breath.

 _Please, don’t let anyone notice,_ he begged silently, as he fought to maintain his composure.

Spinning around, disorientated a bit from all the overwhelming feelings, Johnny wasn’t sure where to turn. As a hand gently touched his shoulder, he jumped slightly. Seeing Dixie, his eyes pleaded with her for help. Seeing the frantic look, she merely led him to a private lounge, normally used for families receiving bad news. As soon as the door closed, Johnny seemed to explode.

“I got to get outta here, Dix,” he begged, pacing and scratching frantically at his skin.

“Why’s that?” she asked gently, trying to ignore his behavior, though she desperately wanted to comfort him.

Digging into his skin more, drawing blood this time, Dixie couldn’t stop herself and grabbed Johnny’s hands.

“Just tell me what’s going on sweetie,” she said, struggling a bit to hold on to him.

Gasping, he struggled for a few more minutes before giving up.

“My skins of fire and my brain won’t shut up!” he snapped. “Just let me go, I gotta get outta here!”

“What’s your brain telling you?” Dixie asked, ignoring his demand.

“Roy’s gonna freak. Not gonna want to be around me. Tell everyone. Gonna get kicked out. So stupid. Dumb. Idiot. Should be locked up,” he ranted uncontrollably, unaware the door had opened up.

“Johnny, no, I don’t think that at all,” Roy told him, taking Dixie’s place.

Forcing him to sit down, Roy wrapped an arm around him, “Look at me.”

When Johnny just shook his head and continued mumbling about his worthlessness, how he just knew Roy wouldn’t want to be around him, and shouldn’t be around people, Roy sighed. Taking Johnny’s chin, he forced Johnny to face him.

“I don’t think you’re crazy. Well, any crazier than the rest of us,” he grinned slightly, trying to bring humor into the situation. “Sure, you’re struggling right now, but that is understandable. This situation stinks to high heaven and well, we failed you in a way. We should have noticed that you were struggling, but we were too wrapped up in our lives and trying to deal with the pressure from this arsonists. I guess everyone thought that since you weren’t on the front lines so to speak, you weren’t feeling the pressure like we were.

“We were wrong. And I am so sorry that you’ve had to go through all this alone. I don’t blame you at all for finding the coping mechanism you did. Honestly, if I were in your place, I mighta done the same or started drinking,” Roy confessed. “I just hope you can forgive me and the rest of us for basically abandoning you.”

Shocked, John looked into Roy’s eyes and saw the guilt, “No, no way man, it’s not yours or anyone’s fault. I didn’t want to talk about it. The counselor cleared me and I wasn’t brave enough to speak up.”

“I think right now, we need to stop blaming,” Kel broke in. “We could go on for a long time about the ‘could haves’, ‘should haves’, ‘if onlys’, but now we need to focus on getting you well Johnny.”

Nodding, John heaved a sigh and asked, “How we gonna do that, cause I thought of punching a hole in the wall in here.”

“We keep working on finding other ways to let you release the stress first of all. Hopefully, with the support system here,” Kel indicated Captain Stanley, Dixie, Roy and himself. “You’ll find it easier as time goes on to come talk to us when things start building up. We’ll also talk one on one about what you’re thinking.”

“How long do you think it’ll take?” Johnny wondered.

“Considering you want to get better and this hasn’t gone on for long, I’m optimistic it won’t take long,” Doctor Brackett assured him. “But for now, why don’t you go on home with Hank and rest. I’ll stop by later today just to see how you’re doing. I do want you to know I’m proud of you though. You did great dealing with the stress.”

Blushing, Johnny nodded as he stood up and walked to the door. As he left with Hank, Dixie gave him a quick hug. Both Roy and Dix told him to call anytime, day or night if he needed to talk. Feeling more confident, John was even more determined to work hard. 

* * *

 

Over the next five days, Johnny continued staying with Hank and meeting with Doctor Brackett daily. Each day seemed to get a little easier, although there were times that were harder. When he was finally allowed to return home by himself on the sixth day, he was both relieved and scared.

“What if I backslide a lot? What if I can’t handle being on my own yet?” Johnny worriedly questioned Kel.

“I think you’re ready, but remember, if something happens or you’re worried you might hurt yourself, you have a lot of people you can call,” Kel reminded him. “This has to happen sometime and if I didn’t believe this was a good step, I wouldn’t recommend it. You just have to have faith in yourself and remember how far you’ve come in such a short time.”

Nodding, Johnny knew the doctor was right. He was able to figure out his thoughts more clearly and when they overwhelmed him, he wrote them down in a journal now. Although the urge to hurt himself when he was feeling anxious or he had nightmares was still there, he again wrote down what was happening and why. It turned out that writing things down was just as good, if not better than cutting to some degree. Yet, oddly, he missed it as well. According to Doctor Brackett though, that was a feeling he’d just have to learn to deal and live with at least for a while. The urge may always be there however and he’d have to be on guard more with his feelings.

So, with these things in mind, Johnny moved back into his apartment with Roy’s help. Roy had been true to his word and the only person he told about what Johnny was going through was his wife Joanne. It was a good thing, as there was one night he had to call his friend at 1:00 am, terrified his dream was reality and Roy had been the one injured by the arsonists.

Thankfully, Joanne had understood and Roy came over. They talked until the sun came up. Feeling thankful and blessed, he had taken the whole family to breakfast before meeting with Kel. After explaining what had happened, he was surprised to see the doctor’s expression.

“Why the heck would you smile at that?” he asked, puzzled.

“You’ve been on your own for a little less than three weeks now and we reduced our sessions every third day. Yet, despite the fact you have less guidance and support dealing with things, you knew what to do. I’d say that is a major step forward,” Kel said, smiling proudly at his friend. “You’ve been doing so well, that I think you might be ready to get back to work.”

Taken aback, Johnny blurted out, “Are you sure?”

“We’ve been working to that goal since the first day,” Kel gently reminded him. “I know with the two arsonists still lose, it’ll be difficult, but I believe that you have the tools now to deal with the stress. Besides, I think this will help you face some of the fears you still have.”

Nodding reluctantly, Johnny sighed, “So when will I go back?”

“Well, I checked your scheduled,” Kel admitted. “How about in two days?”

Shocked, Johnny’s eyes widened and thought about returning to work. Slowly, a smile covered his face.

“I can’t wait, doc.”


	16. Back to the Station

_Finally!_ Johnny thought as he stepped into the station and head for the locker room on Thursday. Breathing in deeply the underlying smells of sweat, soap, and chemicals with diesel engine fuel on top, he felt at home.

Opening his locker, he heard a _ **sprong!**_ followed quickly by cold water and the Phantom laughing from the doorway.

"Chet!" Johnny huffed at him, shaking his nearly non-regulatation black hair out as he reached into his locker to get changed.

"Watch it Junior," Roy gripped good naturally, shaking his head at the two's antics. "Couldn't you lay off for a bit Chet, he just came back."

"Ahh, but the Phantom has four extra weeks stored up of pranks!" he said, an twinkle in his eye as he played with the tips of his mustache.

Rolling his eyes, knowing it'd be fruitless to argue, Roy closed his locker, "Come on Johnny, at least we can beat him to roll call."

Looking at the clock, Chet's eyes widen while Johnny giggled and slammed his locker shut after stuffing his civilian clothes inside.

As he and Roy made their way to the squad, Mike paused in checking the engine out to welcome him back. Marco did the same as he came into the bay from the kitchen, the smell of brewing coffee following.

"John, can I see you a moment?" Hank asked.

Glancing at Roy with a worried look, Johnny nodded and closed the drug box with a click before following his Cap into the office.

Closing the door behind the, Captain Stanley pointed to the chair by the desk, "Sit. I just wanted to touch base with you, see how things are."

"I'm doing pretty good Cap," Johnny told him truthfully, unsuccessfully keeping his hands and feet from shuffling. "I gotta admit it's a bit weird knowing the arsonists are still out there. I guess I'm kinda worried when they'll come out from hiding."

"Worried how you'll deal with that?" he asked, leaning forward.

Grinning at the long squeak that came from the chair, Johnny admitted, "Yeah, a little. But not too bad."

Nodding, Captain Stanley looked at him a long moment before adding, "Make sure if you have any problems, you come to me, Roy, or someone at Rampart."

"You won't tell anyone else will you?" Johnny asked, still worried that his Cap would feel it would be in his best interest to have everyone look out for him.

"I mean, it isn't that I don't appreciate your help and concern, but it's bad enough knowing how guilty Dix, Doctors Early and Brackett, along with Roy feel for not noticing or figuring things out. Sure, it's 'cause the doctors are trained to spot problems and didn't, but jeez, it wasn't as if I hadn't done everything I could to hide it from them," John rambled so fast, Captain Stanley couldn't find an opening. "And I know you feel bad too, but again, how could you know? It's not like I spent much time around the crew on their free hours and with so many fires being set, everyone was being run ragged.

"Roy was hard enough to convince not to feel guilty. Probably because we've become part of each other's family. I just don't want the others to worry or feel bad, or well, anything," sighing, Johnny looked towards his Cap after shaking himself mentally, the plea vivid in his brown eyes.

Shaking his head no, Hank leaned back, smiling with John this time as. the chair let out another groan of protest, "I don't see a reason why we need to. all ever told them is that you had some difficulty with you arm after the first shift back from the initial injury and until Brackett released you, we would have a sub.

Now, as far as us feeling guilty, well..." Hank paused to think a moment about how to word things. "As your captain, it's always been my responsibility to make sure my crew is healthy, not just physically, but emotional and mentally. I do feel like I Iet my responsibility, not just professionally, but personally, slide a bit and because of how close our crew is, I didn't deal well that react at first. I did talk things over with Doctor Brackett and although I wish things had gone differently, they didn't. At least now we know and can support you, although I guess I wish that you had found a better method of dealing with your pain so you didn't have to deal with this now. "

"You and me both," Johnny muttered.

"I still care about you and consider you a very valuable member of the crew," Hank told him, clearing his throat. "The other reason I called you in here is the police believe they found a relative of what they are now saying is a father son team. They need to find a way to contact her, but hopefully, it'll produce a valid lead."

Nodding again, Johnny stood up after Hank did so, "Thanks, Cap."

"No problem," he said, opening the door to see the crew looking at them with curiosity. "Alright men, roll call. I'll tell you what I told John after handing out assignments. Kelly, you of course, get latrines..."

With that, the first shift back for John began.


	17. Nightmare's Return

As the 'A-Shift' crew began their chores, the Klaxon sounded. Heart racing, Johnny dropped the sheets he'd gathered from the bunks and slid into the squad. Leading the engine out of the station, Roy glanced at Johnny, who appeared to be made out of stone, as he was so still and tense with what Roy assumed was fear.

"You okay?" he asked, his voice just loud enough to be heard above the wail of the siren as he steered the squad through traffic.

"Yeah, think so," John replied truthfully, as he pointed out when to turn left with a slight tremble that was hardly visible. "I'm just hoping it isn't the arsonists again. I mean, you said it's been a couple of weeks since any activities could be traced to them."

Nodding, Roy continued driving the route Johnny laid out for him. Despite the excellent navigation skills and the fact the apartment was less than fifteen miles away, they were the second station to pull up. Jumping out of the squad, the two grabbed their turnout coats, swinging them on as they reached for their SCUBA gear, certain Captain Stanley would have them on search and rescue after checking in with Station 49's Captain.

Within seconds, the paramedics were proven right and told to head inside to help with Station 49's paramedics.

"They have the first through third floors. You take the fourth through six," Hank told them, yelling so he could be heard above the roar of the blaze and keeping pace as they both made their way towards the building. "Make sure you each take a HT. Work your way up. Our guys will back you up. Work fast as you can. We'll send help when Station 93 gets here."

Nodding, Roy and Johnny paused long enough to strap on their face masks before rushing into the building. Once on the fourth floor, Roy took the left side while John went right. Each time an apartment was deemed clear, a large 'X' was marked on the door. Luckily, this fire was not only in a building that typically didn't have families and it was past the time people left for work, so with each apartment discovered empty of people, Roy and Johnny's worry of someone being stuck inside the inferno lessened just a tiny bit. This fire also had no signature marks of the other fires that the arsonist team had set before.

Although intense, with smoke and fire coming from multiple walls, it was nowhere near as bad as it could have been. Yes, their vision was so clouded that both Johnny and Roy had to hunch over, blindly reaching out to feel for any victim. However, for them, it was nothing new. Nor was the intense heat that bubbled up, coating them with sweat within seconds. Or the heart-pounding fear that crept closer to hope just a bit each time another apartment was found empty and the search was nearing completion. The partners were just grateful that with the positive factors on their side, within fifteen minutes, Johnny, Roy, and the other paramedics searching were outside of the building.

Now, it was a simple surround and drown mission. After this, what started the fire would need to be investigated, but the firefighters who'd been inside had already seen the signs of what looked like electrical fires throughout the building.

After ensuring no new fires would spark up, starting a new fire, the Station 51 crew arrived back long after lunchtime that it was close to dinner. Given an hour's downtime to shower and rest, the guys did so quickly. Since Johnny had been first in the shower and the others were either outside or were getting ready to shower, Hank finally had a chance to put his worry to rest.

"Hey, pal," he greeted as he helped Johnny finish up the beds. "How are you doing?"

"Ah, pretty good, now," Johnny admitted, sitting on his half made bunk. "I'll tell ya though, when I heard three stations called out, all I could think of was it was another one of their fires."

"And," Hank sat next to him and nudged him gently with his shoulder to prompt him to keep talking.

"I don't remember ever being that scared, not even when that car hit me a couple of years ago," he whispered, lowering his head down, causing his unruly hair flopping into his face.

"I was shaking a bit too," Cap confessed to his junior paramedic, rubbing his hands together, not looking at him.

Head popping up, Johnny looked at him and saw the truth when Hank turned towards him.

"How do you deal with it? Knowing that people hate you for what you can't do? Or thinking that'll happen again?"

Sighing deeply, Hank thought a moment, "I know having my family helps. I tell my wife what happens and if she doesn't think I'm getting things through my head, she'll slap me silly."

Laughing as he pictured that, Johnny smiled wistfully, "Wish I had that."

"You may not have a wife, but you've got a family. You have everyone here, my family, Roy's family, and I'm pretty sure Marco's mom has adopted you as well. That, son, is a lot of family members."

"True."

"And we really are here anytime."

"Thanks, Cap," Johnny grinned softly, embarrassment clouding his voice.

"It's what I'm here for and make sure if you need to talk, just get a hold of me or Roy, got it?" he glared a bit at John to make sure he knew how serious he was about that order.

"I promise," responded Johnny, touched by how caring so many people were. To lighten the mood, he announced, "I do believe I heard the doorbell. We'd better go find out if there is any food left. You know how fast those guys can eat."

Grimacing at the idea, Captain Stanley followed Johnny quickly into the kitchen while a mere ninety miles away, two men were planning what they considered their biggest blow-out yet.


	18. Time's Up

"Good morning, good morning, good morning," Johnny greeted loudly and cheerfully. Pouring coffee for him and Roy, he sat down and grabbed the sports page from the newspaper laying on the kitchen table.

"I heard about why you're early," Roy softly informed Johnny as he too grabbed part of the paper after sitting down a couple minutes later.

"How?" Johnny grinned, knowing exactly how.

"Mike," came the succinct response.

Grinning even bigger, Johnny whispered to Roy, "And just think, Chet is now just pulling up. Think of the fit he'll have."

As he burst into a small fit of giggles, Roy tried to hold back his smile, but there was no way to do so. The men of 'C' Shift looked towards the two and seeing the looks on their faces, knew instantly something was up. Even Captain Hookrader knew, and like his men, chose to stick around a bit longer to see what would happen.

As the sounds of Chet entering the locker room in a quick pace came echoing to those inside the dayroom, Hank crept into the room. He hoped that it looked like he simply needed a refill on coffee and wanted to check on his men, when in reality he had seen Johnny arrive early with a suspicious package. Although he had no idea what was to come, there was no way Captain Stanley wanted to miss the fireworks.

Feet sounded as they raced across the bay and the dayroom door burst open. The moment he saw Johnny, Chet started stammering. No one could understand what the man was saying, though, with no shoes on, his shirt unbuttoned so his hairy chest was exposed, and his belt gone, none of the men were trying as each was laughing too hard.

"I…you…die…" Chet became so frustrated, all he could do was lunge at Johnny.

"Whoa, whoa," Hank said, still smiling, but at last able to suppress his laughter. "What's going on?"

"He, he…" sputtered Chet.

"He what?" Roy asked, not sure if he was trying to be helpful or spur the man on more.

"Look!"

"At?" asked Hank, trying to sound patient and unaware anything unusual happened.

Grabbing his Captains' hands, Chet dragged him through the bay, with everyone following behind at a close distance. As Chet opened his locker again, the Captain from the previous shift and his men, along with 'A' Shift crowded around to peer inside the locker.

Trying to be serious, Hank nodded, "I see. So, why did you wrap your things in plastic?"

Lunging at Johnny again, Hank knew the Irish man had been pushed far enough.

"Okay, okay. Chet, get dressed," the Captain told him. "John will be more than happy to help you get your things unwrapped. After he is done with the latrines. Isn't that right, John?"

"Yes, sir," John replied quickly since Roy had grabbed him and began pulling him out of the room.

"What on earth posed you to do that?" Roy wondered, running his hands through his hair, a befuddled expression on his face.

"Seemed like a good idea," John admitted sheepishly as he went to finish his coffee.

Following his partner into the dayroom, Roy finally let out a huge roar of laughter that he had been holding in.

"That was genius. I hate to admit it, but I think I'm kind of proud," Roy breathlessly told his partner while he looked towards him with amazement.

"Yeah, now I gotta undo it," sighed John.

"Just think, though," Roy said in an effort to cheer him up. "For once, the pigeon got the Phantom."

Buoyed by that thought, Johnny was once again back in high spirits. The low call volumes and easiness of the calls they did respond to helped as well. However, just around 2:30 a.m., a call went out for two stations to a well-known senior care facility. Ten minutes later, another call came over the speakers for a larger group home. One large station was called out along with a much smaller station.

With this call, everyone in Station 51 was fully awake, hoping and praying that it was just an eerie coincidence. It was not to be as five minutes later yet another station was called out to an empty warehouse. None of these seemed connected as they were spread across the county, yet to have so many fires at once could only mean one thing. The arsonists had decided to strike and strike hard. With bated breath, no one dared to move as they all watched the clock slowly tick each second and minute by. It seemed as if an eternity passed by with each click.

Captain Stanley knew he should say something, anything, but this time, he wasn't sure what to say. It seemed to him as if what the police and fire investors had feared were coming to pass. This night might be the turning point where either this father and son duo were caught, or they escaped to terrorize another city. Maybe even continued to terrorize their city. With that thought, his heart seemed to freeze and leap into his throat.

 _I don't know what I'll do, what any of us will do, if this continues on,_ Hank despaired. _How many more times can we be expected to rush in, only to find death and destruction by the hands of mad men? How long till we all break and are unable to recover?_

Mike looked around at his crew mates before his eyes settled on his Captain. How on earth could any of his brothers not be changed this night was beyond him. Each of them looked paralyzed, on edge, hopeless, yet determined.

 _Determined, yes. But how much can we really do?_ Mike wondered. _These guys seem to be ahead of us and know how to get to us. How to wear us down until we want to scream and cry out from the horror of it all. I don't know how Cap is keeping it together or keeping us together. I don't know how I'd be able to handle this much pressure as a Captain. I can barely hang on as it is._

Chet was watching Marco as he recited prayers to himself unaware. By doing so, he could pray along with his friend and not focus on his crew, his brothers-in-arms. His family. He could forget about the worry darting in and out of his mind, the question of when they would be called in to fight the beast. He was sure there was no if. Not with this many fires.

 _This is just too much,_ Chet realized. _Sooner or later, one of us is going to get killed by these guys. What if it's one of us? How can we deal with that? Why can't these guys be stopped!_

Marco, as he whispered prayers long memorized, watched the clock and used the seconds ticking away, much as he would his Rosary for prayers. He tried to drown out his own worries and fears for his family here by reminding himself that there had to be a greater plan and purpose. Still, Marco worried and fretted as each second ticked by and each word went through his mind as he pleaded with G-d.

 _G-d, please protect us,_ Marco pleaded. _We need you more than ever. We need your guidance. We need you to find these guys and stop them._

Roy kept looking between the clock and Johnny after making sure the others were okay. As okay as they could be this night anyway. He wasn't sure what he was more scared of, Johnny's reaction, or being called in to do their duty. Perhaps the aftereffects. His mind kept going back to his beautiful wife Joanne, who he needed, wanted, more days with, his two kids that he wanted to see grow up and have children of their own. Shaking his head clear of his morbid thoughts, Roy reminded himself that these were thoughts he always had after a bad fire, it was just that this night, with the warning, he was thinking of them know.

 _Just make it through tonight,_ Roy coached himself. _Worry about everything else later. I just hope Johnny can hang on. No! I know him better than that… He will be fine. We got a job to do, he'll do it. Just like me._

Johnny felt frozen in his mind. He knew this was a possibility. Not even a possibility, but more of a when type of situation. On one hand, he just wanted the Klaxons to call out their station, but prayed for more time. Trying to sift through his thoughts, all he thought as the Klaxons called out for them, was "Time's Up."


	19. Into Hades

Arriving at the scene with the three other stations that had been called out, Hank was thankful he was not in charge. This was the worst fire he had ever seen and knew that unless something like this happened again, he'd likely never see anything like it again. This was truly a firefighter's worst nightmare.

The apartment building wasn't very tall- only four stories- but it ran down a good size block, close to a half-mile in length and width. He also knew from past inspections that there were four different floor plans for their apartment buildings. Some were just Studio and one-bedroom apartments, but the majorities were two to three bedroom ones. It was a popular place for families to live in as it was in a good neighborhood and was well-maintained. Each apartment had their own balconies, but not only they faced the pool in the middle of the large complex, there was no way to escape from the higher balconies without risking serious injuries as there was no ladder to the ground.

Giving a quick glance over the scene, Hank knew that those stations called out were not going to be enough. The few access points from the sidewalks to the pool were destroyed, likely by an explosive, Hank figured, calling upon his previous experience on the battlefield. The front doors also looked as if a small explosive was used on them. In this case, however, it jammed the doors. Already the fire was on the roof and sides of the apartment building, meaning anyone still inside might not be alive much longer.

As he went to the Battalion Chief to see what he and his men could do, Hank heard more bad news.

"One of my guys got through a pile of rubble. Turns out the balconies have been blown off. Trapped a lot of those on the first floor. Did a lot of damage to the middle of the complex as well. Seems that huge noise people reported hearing? Looks as if it was due to the bombs inside the complex. Even the pool is heavily damaged," the Captain from Station 93 reported, his voice rough from emotions and shock.

Shaking his head, the Chief took one last look at the building and then the men under his command, "Alright, here's what I want. Send in as many men as possible for Search and Rescue. Have at least one guy on hose back them up. A one-on-one situation if needed. I know it'll spread us thin, but if anyone's alive, let's get them out. We only have a small window open. Captains, you take over the engines. Be fast, but be safe."

Each of the three Captains nodded grimly and split up to give the orders to their men.

Already geared up and set to go, Johnny and Roy took one look at each other after hearing their Captain's command. Then, heading off, with Chet helping John and Marco with Roy, they set off inside, praying to find anyone alive. The instance the four entered the apartment, they closed their eyes briefly, knowing that the likelihood was slimmer than they realized.

Rubble was tossed randomly around as if someone had taken the inside of the apartment building and then placed it inside a rock tumbler. It was as if the result of being inside that tumbler was laid out before them. The hallway was blackened and scorch marks were everywhere. Fire popped up in random spots. Some joists were exposed, and of those they could see, some were damaged, some not. Some were completely missing. Wires were everywhere.

Taking a deep breath, Johnny turned down the left hallway with Chet following while Roy went right. The first apartment wasn't too far from the front door and as Johnny kicked the door open, he knew immediately that finding life inside wasn't promising. Even more damage was evident here. Moving quickly, he went to the first bedroom and found a couple who appeared to be in their early-to- mid-twenties. Both were buried under sheets of plaster, plywood and who knew what else. Digging the rubble aside to expose their necks, Johnny took their pulse while Chet sprayed the fire that was creeping up from the outside wall.

Despite his best efforts, Johnny shook his head when Chet looked at him, indicating the couple was dead. Moving into the second bedroom, Johnny and Chet's heartbroken seeing a young toddler. There was no need to see if she was still alive as her eyes were clouded over in death. Knowing her death was likely caused by her legs being nearly severed, which meant it wasn't quick or painless, Johnny had to fight the urge to vomit. Chet lost the battle.

As the continued onwards, each failure to find life seemed to slow Johnny's footsteps.

 _It seems like an eternity since we started. I don't know what feels heavier, my feet or my heart,_ Johnny pondered as Chet led him back to where they left off after getting another air bottle. _I don't know how much more I can take. It feels as though each lifeless body is stabbing me in the heart, accusing me of not being fast enough. It's bad enough I feel as though I'm being cooked alive, although I should complain considering how many have died. How many have suffered…_

Chet, understanding and knowing just how much worse things hit Johnny, simply pointed out which way to turn, leaving Johnny to his thoughts. For him, all he could contemplate was that there were simply no words for this type of cruelty. He didn't care about the heat. He didn't care about having to make sure John ducked when needed, while holding onto a hose and watching the path ahead. All he cared about was moving forward.

When they finally got to the last room in the hall, the fire was finally almost out on this end.

As he searched the final room he was tasked with, Johnny yelled out, "Hey, I think that's a kid! Wait here!"

"Hurry, we're gonna need air soon!" Chet nervously yelled back, voice muffled by his masked. They have both been in here almost twenty minutes and despite the best effort of everyone, and even additional help, nothing seemed to stop this destruction.

 _Not that the residents will mind,_ Chet mulls over in his head. _I think the -es kill most of 'em._

A loud **_BOOM!_** shook the wall and also shook Chet from his thoughts.

"Johnny!" he turned the hose off and dropped it as he raced into the room. Looking around, he saw a hole in the wall to the outside that wasn't there before. "Johnny!"

Running to the blown-out wall, he pulled out his HT as he continues looking around the room. Thankful that this room isn't on fire anymore and close to a viable exist, he informed his Cap what happened over the HT.

"Keep looking. Roy's on his way there."

"10-4," Chet said in a hurry, not bothering to wait for his Captain's response before shoving it into his turncoat pocket.

Frantically searching the room, Chet began talking to himself, "Okay, why is there a hole there? I don't know! Maybe…maybe….maybe he saw something that made him think it would go off? If I thought that I'd throw it and run. Okay, so the hole is there and Gage actually can throw, though I won't admit that so…"

With those thoughts, Chet started searching in a more logical pattern and soon found Johnny in the kitchen. Hearing Roy call out, Chet showed him where John was and told him what he thinks happened.

"Alright, thanks, Chet," Roy said with a distracted tone. "Can you help me get the collar on him and backboard? I'll work on him outside."

Nodding, the two got Gage secured and as quickly as they could without moving Johnny too much, got him next to the squad.

Reaching for the equipment, Roy jumped a bit at hearing his Captain's voice.

"Sorry," Hank said. "Just wanted to know if you needed help."

"Um, how about the biophone?"

"You got it."

"What about the fire?" Roy wondered as he started to assess his partner.

"Surround and drown," Hank informed him sadly. "Ten percent got out, another few percent aren't there. Some might not make it. Those two knew what they were doing."

"Dang," Roy's tone was mournful. Pushing everything else aside, he turned back to his partner turned patient.

"His pulse is 55. BP is 90/60. Respirations are 25. Pupils are unequal, but reactive. Johnny's got a concussion, not real reactive to sternal rub. Broken clavicle and humerus. Broken ribs on left side, got some rhales in both lungs. Pupils are unequal, but reactive," Roy informed his Captain as he found each issue. "Looks like his leg is pretty busted up."

Hank updated Rampart with those and John's vitals as Roy went to work securing the arm. After receiving orders for an IV, he got that started as well before he, Hank, and the two ambulance drivers placed Johnny onto the gurney for his trip to Rampart.


	20. Weight of the World

While waiting for the ambulance that held Johnny as a patient, Kel paced near the entrance. Although all hospitals were on standby and all personnel were called in, he ensured that Johnny would be received at Rampart.

_Not that there is much of a problem there,_ Kel thought bitterly. _Most of the patients are either firefighters and can wait, are too far gone, need to be taken directly to the burn ward, or have died on the way to the hospital. And unfortunately, many of those that are so critical are civilians, not that any of us in the area hospitals have seen a lot of them from what I have gathered. It seems odd to pray for any live patient, no matter the condition. Usually, we are praying for live patients in decent health. I guess with so many fires ablaze, our perception changes._

Seeing the ambulance roll up, Kel grabbed the door, anxious to see how Johnny was fairing.

Noticing the doctor, Roy gathered the supplies and started lifting the stretcher as he reported, “Blood pressure is now 95/70, pulse 70, respirations about 35. His pupils are still unequal and he is starting to respond to voice now, but is not completely coherent.”

Nodding, Kel helped steer the gurney into the exam room, “How did this happen?”

“We think someone threw a bomb at him and he was either able to duck and cover or throw it far enough away before it did damage to him. At least, that's our best guess, no one saw what happened.”

Looking sharply up at Roy, Kel’s eyes were wide in shock. Nodding grimly, Roy hung up the IV bag and attached the portable heart monitor to the exam room monitor.

Sigh inwardly, grateful on one hand that this wasn’t something Johnny had done deliberately, but greatly disturbed by the lengths the arsonists were going to in order to continue their reign of terror, Kel went back to his exam.

“Can you grab his vitals again, we’re a bit shorthanded.”

Reaching for the blood pressure cup while Kel looked into Johnny’s left ear, Roy noticed he was trying to wake up.

“Johnny, can you hear me?” Roy asked, leaning close to his face.

A groan was all that was heard.

“Can you tell me your name?” Kel asked, motioning Roy back.

Taking several shallow breaths under the mask, Johnny sounded breathless as he answered, “Jjj…oohhh…johhhnn.”

“Good,” Kel smiled slightly at him. “Can you tell me where it hurts?”

“Allll oo…vve…rr,” he panted, trying to move to relieve the pain, but unable to being strapped to the backboard.

“I’m sure,” Roy muttered, which caused John to squint at him.

Seeing this, Kel waved Roy forward and asked if he could help get a better answer while he figured out where the x-ray was right then.

“Can you tell me what hurts most?” Roy asked patiently.

“Aaarm,” Johnny panted out. “Ribbbs, breaaathhing.”

“It hurts to breathe?” Roy wanted to make sure he understood.

When nodding failed him, Johnny hissed out a yes.

“Dr. Brackett will be right back, but everything should be fine,” Roy assured him. “You just took a pretty big hit back at the fire.”

Blinking his eyes, John tried staying awake, but despite Roy’s best efforts, the pain was too great and soon unconsciousness took him again.

As Kel came back in the room, this time with the x-ray machine and technician in tow, Roy reported what took place while he was gone and that the vitals had gone up slightly.

“I’m not surprised he went out again,” Dr. Brackett said. “The pain levels have to be fairly high. We’ll get these x-rays and after that, he probably needs surgery.”

Nodding with worry lingering in his eyes, Kel assured Roy as they left the room so the x-rays could be taken, “I don’t think the concussion is too bad, maybe moderate at worst. What is the main concern is the numerous fractures and the likelihood that at least some are unstable, in addition to causing high pain levels. That alone can cause more problems since we can't do proper neurological checks than.

"You know I normally wouldn’t suggest surgery so early, but until we fix those issues, I doubt Johnny would be able to stay awake for long. It is really less of a risk to go ahead.”

“Kind of a Catch-22,” Roy suggested.

“Exactly. We just have to balance the possible risk with the potential benefit,” Kel said. "And in this case, I have a feeling surgery will be more beneficial."

Seeing the x-ray tech leaving the room, Kelly ordered them to be developed as soon as possible. Receiving a confirmation that they would, Kel and Roy headed back to check on Johnny. Once again, he responded to the two of them, but was still sluggish and unaware for the most part of what was taking place. The most Johnny could tell them was that, “it hurt”. Working together, Kel and Roy got John preped for surgery and by the time they were done, the x-rays were delivered by a frazzled nurse.

Slapping the head, neck and shoulder x-rays on the light board, Kel let out a sigh of relief. Aside from the broken clavicle, nothing else showed up. Tugging those x-rays out, he replaced them with ones of the arms. Seeing that the previously broken wrist and arm were still fine, but the humerus was broken on the other arm, Kel shook his head. Replacing those with the spinal and chest x-rays, he saw that Johnny was lucky in that he escaped with just four broken ribs and two fractured ribs. No spinal damage was seen, which when Kel considered what had likely happened, too be almost miraculous. Peering closer to ensure he wasn’t missing anything, he still wasn't able to find an visible damage and so he took those down and put up the leg x-rays. Not expecting to find anything other than a simple fracture, he was shocked to see the left leg was broken in three places.

Reporting these findings to Roy, Kel told him the course he wished to take.

“I would definitely like to repair the clavicle as it seems unstable. Also, the left leg as it too isn’t very stable with the amount of damage done. The humerus is stable enough that I can place it in traction for now and hopefully in a couple days repair it. I am surprised,” Kel said frankly. “That there isn’t anything wrong with his spine. Johnny does have the rib fractures and breaks of course, but honestly, I am worried that perhaps I am overlooking something in his spine. I can’t imagine not having an injury there with how you described everything. Even if Johnny was able to throw the bomb, or what have you, the blast would be powerful enough to possibly cause damage. I’d like Doctor Early to look over the x-rays. Until than, I’d like to keep Johnny immobilized.”

Sighing, Roy nodded. He, too, was surprised Doctor Brackett hadn’t found evidence of spinal damage considering how Johnny was found. Personally, he’d rather be safe than sorry.

“Alright, so when will he be headed to surgery?” Roy asked wearily.

“Hopefully, within the half-hour,” Kel estimated. “I reserved the room already and am just waiting for an anesthesiologist, as well as a nurse and an assistant doctor.”

“Anything I can do?”

Shaking his head, Doctor Bracket smiled a bit, “Not really. Although helping to keep Johnny stable until the surgery ward calls will help as I got a few things to wrap up.”

Doing so, Roy stayed by Johnny’s bedside for the next fifteen minutes until Kel received the call that everything was ready for him. Watching Kel and a couple orderly’s push his best friend onto the elevator, Roy shook off the melancholy threatening to overwhelm him and called over the HT to base. Receiving the orders to return to the same apartment building that had injured John, he went into the squad and prayed that as the morning broke, things would begin to look up.


	21. ICU and Explanations

Although the work was far from done on the apartment complex that Station 51 was called out to, when Roy heard back from Doctor Bracket, it wasn’t hard to convince Captain Stanley to allow him to head back to the hospital. He had already been working close to three hours and was due for a second break soon anyway. Also, the battalion chief knew Johnny had been in survey for close to five hours, as well as had been observed for close to an hour already, so all on site were hoping for a good update on the fellow firefighter. 

Upon arriving in the ICU, Roy gazed at his partner and shook his head in amazement. Bruises not seen before not littered his face and the one visible arm and leg, along with his chest where ever there wasn't a bandage or EKG pad. The left leg was encased in a metal brace, seemingly in order to hold together the leg. From the wrist on up to almost the shoulder area on the right side, a hard cast enclosed the entire area that he could see. A hard, removable brace covered the shoulder and chest area on that side as well. Besides that, Roy could tell that Doctor Bracket was forced to stabilize Johnny’s ribs as evidence by the gauze pads covering the middle to lower area of his stomach area.

Shaking his head again in wonder of just how much one body could withstand, Roy looked up at the heart monitored and was relieved to see the rhythm much more stable. It was still a bit faster than normal, but at least it was steady and a lot lower than it as before.

_I'm thinking the fluids, blood and medication he's hooked up to is responsible for that,_ Roy randomly thought.

Grabbing the chart at the end of the bed, he Sat down on the chair next to the bed and read the latest vital signs as well.Again, although a bit high, they too were a lot better than they were than when he had brought Johnny in.

“Hey, Roy,” Kelly said, coming into the room to check up on everything.

“Hey, doc,” Roy nodded. “Seems he is doing better.”

“Despite having to shift a couple ribs and make sure they wouldn’t move, he was a lot luckier than I first thought,” he admitted.

“Good, that’s good,” breathed Roy. “Why isn’t he on a continuous pain IV though? Seems he’s been waking up from pain.”

Shifting awkwardly, Brackett glanced around to ensure no one was around. Deciding that perhaps what he wanted to say would be best else where, he motioned Roy out of the room and led him to an empty employee lounge.

“With his past self-injury issues not resolved quite yet, I don’t know what is best for him. I am hoping this is the best course of action, as I am hoping that this will help me understand if he is willing to ask for help. I did make sure the nurses would give the medication via IV within ten minutes of it wearing off and him waking up, however, just in case,” he added hastily.

Closing his eyes and breathing out slowly, Roy shook his head, “Is that really a good idea now? I mean, surgery was just an hour ago.”

“I know, but honestly, right now I have the ability to monitor him and to be able to see if he is in pain without having people question it or wonder about it.”

“True, I guess I just hate thinking of him being in pain.”

“I do as well,” Kelly admitted. “That’s why I made sure he will get pain medication even if he doesn’t ask for it in a reasonable amount of time. The nurses that are assigned to him are very trustworthy and don’t have any other patients, so they can focus on Johnny.”

“How is he doing otherwise?”

“For what you think may have happened, quite well. Doctor Early and Doctor Hastens, the orthopedic specialist on-call tonight, are frankly shocked things weren’t worse. As am I. The stitches will be able to come out in a couple weeks. The rest in just waiting for the bones to heal, which as you know takes about six to eight weeks,” seeing Roy was about to speak, Doctor Brackett held up his hand.

“This time, after about a month, as long as things are healing well, Johnny will need surgery again to remove the pins and such. He will then be put back in the hard brace for his shoulder, a brace for his wrist and arm, then a walking cast for his leg. Johnny will be able to start on some therapy then, although it will be probably another three to four months before things start getting back on track.”

Looking back at his partner's room, Roy wondered just how long of a road he’d have before coming back. Swallowing down the fear, he asked his friend and colleague.

“Hopefully, if everything goes well, about six months, maybe a month or two more depending on how fast the bones regenerate. Plus, I do admit that I worry this will affect his state of mind and Johnny may have more issues with self-injuring.”

“But I thought it was related to this whole father/son rampage?” Roy asked, rather confused.

“That did trigger it,” Kelly told Roy, gesturing him for him to take one of the seats. “However, the self-injury was because Johnny was unable to cope with the memories, the feelings of helplessness, the anger at the situation, wanting to do more but unable to, feeling out of control. It’s like there was a lot of static and noise in his mind and hurting himself helped control that static and noise.”

Taken aback, Roy tried to process this new information. Sure, Johnny had tried to explain this before, as had Doctor Brackett, but…

_I just don’t get it!_

Seeing the confusion on Roy’s face, Doctor Brackett smiled wearily, “It’s hard to understand unless you’ve been there or have studied it I believe. I mean, I am a doctor and should understand more about this, especially with a patient of mine going through it, but I honestly have a hard time. Not many people do I believe and I also think a lot believe that a person can control these behaviors. I think that it takes a lot of self-control to stop and continue to not resort back to this type of behavior. It’s why I’m helping Johnny and why I didn’t want to refer him to someone else unless I had to; too many people see it as attention seeking or a suicide attempt.”

“If they knew Johnny, they’d change their minds,” Roy stated with a huff, glancing at his plain, sliver wrist watch. “I have to head back to the site. I’ll be able to check on him again in a few hours, but radio me if you need to please.”

Nodding, Brackett walked Roy out, not envying the man his task ahead.


	22. Destruction

For the next few months, Johnny was forced to stay at Rampart on the orthopedic floor. Daily therapy became a routine and not just physical therapy, but also talk therapy with Doctor Brackett. John wasn’t sure which was worse. Some days it was the physical, some days it was trying to explain why, even months after the last time he injured himself purposefully, he still craved the feeling, despite hating it as well.

As the days crawled past, it seemed to Johnny he would never be released, but finally, four months after the incident, he was allowed to go home. He still would need to come back daily to strength his muscles and improve on his dexterity with his one arm, but at least he was free.

Unfortunately, it seemed that despite the reprieve the city of Carson had gotten from the father/son arsonist, this tag team had been planning for Johnny’s arrival home. As soon as he walked in his front door, he found all of his furniture slashed, clothing cutting up, toiletries punctured with holes large enough that the bottles were empty and the liquid was everywhere in the bathroom. All of the dishes were smashed into pieces, pictures were ripped by hand into tiny pieces, books torn apart. The TV, stereo, and microwave were gone. The oven had been dismantled, pieces tossed about. The carpeting in the living room and bedroom was ripped up in places as well. The walls had holes, stains, and graphic graffiti on them. Nothing was untouched.

Shocked by the state of everything, Johnny simply closed the door and hobbled down the apartment steps on his crutches. Unsure what to do, he sat down on the picnic table underneath a tree in the courtyard. All he could think of was the pictures which he could never replace; the few of his parents and grandparents. Losing those pictures and the couple items left over from his childhood made him feel as though a rock had landed in his stomach, then was covered with cement. Now those precious items were gone, all because he choose to speak up and place guilt where it belonged.

Anger began bubbling up, replacing the sadness quickly. Knowing the monsters had chosen to defile his home, choose to hurt him this way made him determine to do something to stop them.

_And the first thing I can do is stop sitting on my butt feeling sorry for myself!_ John raged at himself. _Go across the street, call the police, then call Captain, he can help figure something out._

Doing just that, the police and Captain Stanley were both there within ten minutes. Seeing the mess, his Captain whistled in disbelief.

“I know Joanne had cleaned everything up about two weeks ago, maybe a week and a half,” Hank told John and the officers. “So, it had to be after that this happened.”

“Means they were likely watching the place,” Officer Callen offered up to his partner Officer Bleak.

“Most likely,” he concurred. “You two wait out here while we go through here, see if we can find anything.”

“Fine with me,” Johnny said, more than happy to ignore the damage for as long as possible.

“Would it be alright if I take him home?” Hank asked. “He just got out of the hospital and I doubt his doctor wants him up and about, not to mention stress.”

“I’ll be fine Cap,” John insisted. “I just figured you would know what to do.”

“Yeah, and I know Brackett doesn’t want you to over exert yourself on the first day out of the hospital,” he retorted starring Johnny down.

Glancing at one another, the two officers nodded at each other.

“You went through here already, right?” Callen asked.

“Just enough to see the rooms all were a mess,” John admitted. “I don’t think I touched anything, other than the front door.”

“Did you notice anything missing?”

“Just the TV, stereo, and microwave,” he told him.

“Would you know the make and model?” Bleak wondered.

“I had them in my file, but I think it’s destroyed,” Johnny admitted, sounding depressed and on edge.

“We have your Captain’s address and number, why don’t you go with him. If we have any questions or anything, we’ll stop by or call. It’ll be a couple days at least before you can get back here,” one of the officers told him, stepping into the apartment and ignoring their presence.

Nodding, Johnny sighed and made his way down again. Once in Hank’s truck, he leaned back, closed his eyes and mumbled, “This is the shittest day I’ve had in a while.”

Ignoring him, Hank just took him home, unable to think of anything to comfort his youngest crew member.


	23. Epilogue

Both officers were right about it taking at least a few days before the apartment was released back to Johnny. On the plus side, the found quite a few fingerprints that helped out. It turned out that the father had two names he used besides his real one. With that information, police officers began digging for any properties that may have been held by him or his son. It seemed that luck was finally on their side as within forty-eight hours, they found three previously unknown ones.

It took another twenty-four hours to gather enough people to simultaneous search each place, but once the teams were in place, ‘Operation Extinguish’ as it was being called, was launch. The second place was filled with explosives ready to go and even more supplies to build bombs. There were also plans on how to attack a large mall, a large shopping center, a couple schools, a couple apartment buildings, as well as Station 51 all at once. It seemed as though the father and son planned on delivering baked goods, flowers, or different supplies to the mall, shopping center and school. They also would plant flowers with bombs underneath in the mall, shopping center, school, and apartment building. At the schools and apartment buildings, the father and son planned on being maintenance workers and while ‘working’, leaving tools or supplies in certain areas. As far as Station 51 went, when the timers went off and set off the other places, the father and son would be manual there, surround the building with explosive material.

The third building was a small cabin about ten miles away and had been purchased under a different name. Despite the difficulty getting to it, the search team was able to sneak up there and found both the father and son. Both had rifles, but with ten people on the team, the father/son arsonist group was taken down quickly with fatal injuries. Oddly enough, no one seemed to mind after all that had occurred to them.

Since neither of them had relatives, it was decided to sell everything the two had in properties, stocks, bonds and bank accounts to go towards their victims.

As far as John Gage goes, he still has to fight at times to restrain from hurting himself when the memories of one of the worst times in his firefighting career try to take over him. There are times he slips, but each time, his friends, or rather, family, considering how close Station 51 became from this nightmare, help him back up and start again.


End file.
